The Eyes are Watching . . .

Ever since I started this blog, I've been under the awareness that what I write is set in stone.  I am starting to feel like I am writing all of my feelings, making all these claims, but not living up to what I set out to do way-back-when.

I used to get up at 5 a.m. and put in a rigorous exercise routine about 5-6 times a week.  Over the last few months, those days have been getting smaller.  To the point where I've only exercised once a week.  When I wanted to get back to my normal routine, this "phantom" pain set in.  After a full day yesterday, the pain is gone.  A good night's rest last night, and I woke up at 5 a.m. and got onto the treadmill for a 45 minute walk.  I feel invigorated.  I feel renewed and recommitted.  However, I am also aware that I am writing off the endorphin high that came along with that workout.

From today on, I will be getting up at 5 a.m. everyday to do an exercise routine to start my day.  And I am even talking about Saturday and Sunday.  Crazy pants?  Yes, I agree.  But I am no where nearing my goal of losing 5 lbs this month.  I've actually gained.  So crazy pants ideas will have to do.  And I know that you will be watching me and rooting for my progress. 

Feeling better . . .

I have taken a few days off to recoup from the awful pain in my back.  I went to Urgent Care on Monday.  I couldn't take it anymore.  They sent me for a CT scan to see if it was a kidney stone.  Nope!  So they deduced that it could have been a muscle tear or something muscular/skeletal.  I don't recall hurting myself during my workouts. They also stated that I had indications of diverticulitis, but the pain being in my back didn't fit their readings of the scan.  But anything is possible in the moment.  So I've taken it very easy.  I hope to walk on the treadmill tonight.  No jumping and lifting, or running for me for a bit.

I am a bit concerned about the 5K this Saturday.  There isn't any other race around these parts in February.  We got some fresh snow in the past couple of days that have made things outside really gross.  So, I am hoping that I don't fail my 2010 challenge of one race per month.  I am not going to beat myself up over it.  My long term health is at stake.  I can go back to the routine of running in March when I am at 100%. 

Speaking of work outs.  I am interested in buying another DVD.  This time it is the Personal Training with Jackie. I love tough workouts.  I've heard that this is a really good program.  I love Jillian Michaels, but I need variety; although, they were business partners and ran the gym that Jackie's show highlights.  It costs $14.99 at my local Target, so this will be a quick pick up.  I will wait a while before I actually do the routine, which I will then review on the blog.

So the eating.  Well, that is another story.  I am just really emotional about everything and so I haven't been as careful as I should.  But now that my work out routine has to be cut back.  I am going to be a little more strict with my portions; that is not easy for me, and I know that I am not alone.  I may just have to do WW so I can get to my first personal goal of 175 lbs.  Then I will go it alone until I hit my final goal of 150. 

Edited to Add:  Just found another race for Feb 20.  I may not miss this month at all.  I will take it as easy as I can and hope to race then.  Yay!

Only hurting myself . . .

No little boys were hurt in the remaking of a Hitchcock classic.  
 

My weigh-in on Saturday revealed that my weight didn't move.  Even with eliminating the sugars from my diet, I am still at 205.  And it became a bit of a lonesome day.  I had so many activities that had me running around with all 3 kids on Saturday.  Hubby was busy with work.  I scheduled a babysitter for the evening so I could go out to the hockey game.  At the game, I stuffed my face.  In part because "it was there" and free, and in part because I felt a bit of a need to get "high" on sugary cookies and soda, sandwich, brat, and wings.  And I kept getting "high on sugar" all weekend.  The dam broke and the flood was filling me up.  

The result was a very bad belly ache last night.  I am not even hungry this morning.  I am forcing myself to eat my oatmeal with almond butter, cranberries, walnuts, and banana.  

I know I should have exercised more last week.  But I am looking forward, and not feeling guilt about last week.  I did go to the gym yesterday.  I paid a day pass and drop in care so that I could have the older two run around in the kid's club while I tried to run on the treadmill.  Well, I've been having flank pain since last Tuesday.  I went and got a urine test, but it has come back negative for any UTI.  The flank pain didn't let me run for long stretches at all.  It was so terrible.  I walked for 45 minutes.  Did a bit of a Yoga cool down and stretched.  I love Yoga.  It is such a great stress reliever.  The flank pain remained the rest of the day and evening.  I took a pain reliever (which I never do) at bedtime.  Then the belly ache woke me up from sleep.

I didn't exercise this morning, but I plan to do a level of 30 Day Shred tonight and Yoga for stretching.  I am hoping that my back doesn't quit on me so I can run the Valentine's 5K on Saturday.  I will run tomorrow to see how I feel.  I may just run/walk the entire race.  The goal is to finish, not place. 

BMI

Cranky Fitness published a great article with discussion over Michelle Obama's recent public revelation over their minor children's BMI being a concern. It discusses more the concern over making that information public.

BMI in my children was a huge concern of mine.  Well, it still is, but I had to wait a few years to get over that concern.  You see, I was an obese child, and I am not raising obese children.  I had a single mother who worked many long hours and I was kept in the care of an obese babysitter that never went outdoors for any activity.  I wasn't allowed to play outdoors, run in the halls, or have any structured team participation.  When my mother wasn't working and had time to allow me to participate in anything, she had an overwhelming fear that I would be hurt.  And I was, especially when I went to camp and tripped over a tree root and broke my arm at the elbow.  But hey, if I wasn't 25 lbs overweight at the time, maybe I wouldn't have been hurt so badly.  But I digress.

My oldest daughter is average size.  Sure she has a little gut and a little rear, but I never consider her too be overweight, and her pediatrician who I adore, has never alerted me to watching my daughter's weight.  I also don't consider her to eat too much junk.  I don't buy it with frequency, and I don't encourage it.  When she is hungry, she reaches for an apple or a banana.  She does sneak one too many dips into the refrigerator for grapes and strawberries, which never get tasted by anybody else.  And for a girl that doesn't drink much milk, an occasional string cheese won't break the scale.  

I have all my children in sports, and I know they are getting activities at school; even in the Wisconsin winters they get fresh air and run around. I am constantly trying to introduce a physical activity or sport into their lives.  Even if it doesn't stick or it is too expensive and time consuming, I feel it is my duty to let them choose by participating and deciding what they enjoy.  

The single most important thing I feel that I must do as a parent is to "role model behavior".  I may be obese under the BMI standards, but I walk the walk.  I eat well, make healthy meals for the children, and I make healthy options available.  I also exercise.  They see me buy the DVDs and the weights; and while they don't always see me do the exercise, they see me when I wake them dressed in my work out gear, sweaty and red, and getting ready to hop in the shower.  

I also don't allow my daughters to hear me call myself fat or say that I am on a diet.  I don't want my girls to become self conscious about their weight.  I don't ever want to encourage self destructive eating habits.  I'm not trying to keep them in a "life is beautiful" bubble, but I also don't want them to be aware that looks and size are important for aesthetic reasons more than health reasons.  

While I do think that Mrs. Obama's new platform on children's BMI is a problem that needs tackling, we can't lose site of the fact that parent's must also take an active role in moderating their own BMIs.

Fears . . .

I show you this picture not for the shawl that I knit out of yarn that I spun over a year ago.  I am hoping you can see my arms and those bat wings that are dangling.  That is my greatest fear.  I've never had small arms.  Not even when I lost 75 lbs the first time in 1995.  I always felt like my arms were sausages and I would stuff them into button down shirts with tight sleeves.  

Watching Ruby on Oprah (DVRed) made me realize the impact of my weight gain on my body.  For years I've been struggling with how I can lose weight without the excess skin that could be left behind.  Ruby stated that the excess skin on her body, specifically referencing her arms, is a punishment for letting her body carry over 700 pounds.  And Oprah pointed out that no amount of weight lifting or dieting could get that skin to snap back.  That was a frightening awakening because for so long I've been resisting the need to lose weight because I fear seeing the results of my self abuse.  I can sort of justify my stomach to be flabby and loose because I've been pregnant with 3 children.  But I've also been obese in between those children, and that is my fault and burden.  But my arms . . . 

I've admired strong armed women, like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2: Salvation, Jessica Biel, Evangeline Lilly, and Michelle Obama.  Michelle Obama was the one that prompted me to work on my fitness.  Reading all the accounts of her getting out of the house by 4:30 a.m. to exercise while married with 2 children and working as a full time attorney made me realize June 2009 when I returned to full time work that I had absolutely no excuse.  She was living my reality and she made it work.  And look at her arms.  She works hard for them. And I try to work hard for them.  Like this morning at 5 a.m. when I got up and did a Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga, holding my body up by those arms without having to modify the plank.  I tried so hard to hold myself up.  And I am getting so strong with every workout. 

My greatest hope in this journey is to work hard to achieve those buff arms.  I may not achieve them.  And if I don't, I will be sad; but I know that, in the grand scheme of things, I will be healthier and more satisfied having taken care of my entire body, and not worrying about bits and pieces. Because those bits and pieces that aren't perfect will be the constant reminder to never allow myself to repeat that vicious cycle.

February Workout Calendar

When I embarked on my fitness and healthy living journey in June of 2009, I had to make a plan to organize my 5K training and 30 Day Shred, and Yoga and Pilates.  But I kept that plan filed away in my brain.  for the most part it worked well for months.  But with working and 3 kids, I've had trouble trying to manage it all.  So I started using my email calendar to just plug in what I "aspire" to do on a daily basis.  Now, while this may be a daunting plan.  It works for me to know what I can do on a daily basis.  I want to get to the point again where I should do these activities.  This morning, I didn't wake up at 5 a.m. to do No More Trouble Zones.  And that does cause a bit of guilt and anxiety because I'd rather not miss a workout.  However, tomorrow is another day and I can't beat myself up.

What I do plan to do is wake up in the early morning and run on the treadmill.  I will try to do Yoga in the evening if I can't get to it soon after running.  But I must be honest, I do have a bit of fear of doing the Jillian Michaels DVDs. 

Elimination . . .

Most of us "healthy living" people have had to go to extra lengths of eliminating types of foods or food groups from our diet.  I am no exception.  I made the decision to give up dairy over 6 months ago.  The reason: gas and painful, unpredictable bowel movements.  Yep, I said it!  I went there. 

I'd been struggling with IBS since college.  I was under the impression that my symptoms were from dorm food.  College introduced foods that wasn't in my Latina culture.  At home with Mom, I ate mostly rice, meat, beans, plantains, and salads with oil and vinegar; all were heavily spiced and seasoned.  At college, I ate sandwiches on white bread, pasta, pizzas, fried stuff.  Mind you, they did have healthy selections, but at 18-20, I had no clue what was best because I ate what my Mom made for me. 

Fast forward 15 years and three children later, my body has undergone many physical changes, and intolerances have been the latest.  I noticed after having Baby #3 that I had this huge gut that was so bloated and painful from gas.  I was eating a lot of cereal with milk at the hospital.  Cereal with milk was my number one comfort food. Of course, I didn't connect this to a milk intolerance until after a visit with the Doctor when I decided to train for a 5K.

I went to the doctor because I had a very bad episode when I couldn't make it to the bathroom while driving my 3 children home . . . I hope that is enough said.  My children were distraught and worried for me.  My doctor did a bunch of tests: celiac and thyroid.  Not for lactose, though!  All results were negative.  She told me to increase my fiber by taking supplements, more water, walk and exercise.  I'd already been doing the exercise.  The fiber pills did help, with the exception of another episode.  And that episode was enough to conclude it was milk.

So I cut dairy out of my diet.  No milk. No cheese. No yogurt. No ice cream. And no butter.  I switched to almond milk or rice milk.  I no longer partake in eating pizza, lasagna, or any Mexican foods laden with creams and cheeses.  And while I don't miss it.  I do miss the convenience of making lasagna or eggplant parmesian and freezing for future use by the family.

I've had to get creative.  I've made my own "ice cream", an example is on my header.  I will post a quick recipe another time.  I know there are soy cheeses and cream cheeses, but those are in the specialty stores, making it that much harder to quickly grab at the local market.  Initially, it took a ton of conscious effort to remove dairy from my everyday food. 

It has become simpler over time.  And as much as I miss creamy soups or a milk shake, I know that the benefits are tremendous.  I attribute a lot of my weight loss to going dairy-free.  I am not uncomfortable with bloat or gas pain.  It is all good. 

Now, if only I could make sugar free, dairy free, chocolate chip cookies that tasted like the real thing, I would be a happy woman.