Trying to get back.

It has been over a year since I last blogged. Almost two years. There are many excuses. Many. Many. Excuses.

Recap of my time away.

I put my mother in a nursing home. She had too many "elopements", which is a fancy word for walking out and away from home while I worked. Police were called to find her many times. She would wake up in the middle of the night, like an infant around the clock, to eat, to leave, to go to "work", to visit her brother. She would set off the home alarm and disturb all of us: my husband and I having to go to work and the kids to school. The hardest thing is to talk to your parent as if they were a child. It hasn't been any easier now that she is in the nursing home. I still get calls: [Nana] has soiled herself and refuses to change"; "Nana is trying to leave and we have to call the police"; "Nana hit an aide". I also have to take her and attend all medical appointments because I am her PoA--Power of Attorney. It is overwhelming still. But it is my job, and one I do to the fullest of my ability.

I quit my job. I decided in Oct of 2012 that I could no longer work. I was emotionally and physically done. Something had to give. I couldn't quit my marriage, kids, or my mother. But, I could quit my job. And I did. My last day was in May of 2013. I've been home ever since. I spent the Summer with all three kids. I hadn't done that in a while. So while I can' say that I've had a break (I still get calls on my cell from old clients--they don't get it), I am a lot more mentally rested than before.

I went on and off anxiety medication. I didn't go off because I was opposed or better. I shouldn't have gone off cold turkey. My excuse is crazy--I couldn't keep myself on schedule and attend visits with the Psych Dr. I stopped my therapy too. It was helpful, but a long break in her finding time to schedule me around the time that I have available didn't work out.

I only have three free hours in my day on four days a week. And do you know what I do? I go to the gym. I joined a local gym three weeks ago. I have been going 5 days a week; one day taking my youngest to childcare while the older two are in school full day. I've been working on strength training. I need to work on a lot of things, but building muscle is the most important part of my plan. I also joined a hot yoga studio that is in the same plaza as the gym. Yesterday, I went to the gym and did a 45 min walk on the treadmill. Once done, I hopped in the car and drove a football field's length to the yoga studio. I did an hour flow class.  I am the largest in the class. No, I don't have body-dismorphia and think I was the largest. I was the largest. I can hold my own, but my body is so large and heavy that I felt every ounce of myself. It is also restrictive to certain moves. The large belly gets in the way. The clothes fold over and under places. I find myself readjusting my clothes over the fat because it has rolled under the fat. I have to pull down the body hugging tank top because it rises over the belly. It is very self conscious practice. I am super aware of my body. Then, like labor and delivery of a baby, I forget how aware I am that I must do something with my body and lose the weight, that I'll eat things that I shouldn't.

Now to the weight. For years, I was at a maintained weight of 207 lbs. I ran my first 5K at 212 lbs. I never felt so heavy as I do now. I weighed in this morning at 228.7 lbs. I reached the height of 232 lbs about two months ago. This was a shock because the last time I entered labor and deliver at 232 lbs with my youngest; four years ago.

My goal is to get to my happy weight of 175 lbs. I am focusing on 10 lbs at a time. Right now I am focusing on 8.7 lbs. I feel every ounce. Usually, I am annoyed with myself for working so hard at the gym and not losing weight. I have to really focus on the food. I have to focus on my feelings that lead to eating more than enough of the food. The trainer (complimentary 2 sessions) said that I should go back to the Paleo. I had reached my low in over a decade by reaching 193 on Paleo. I quit Paleo in April of 2012, and in July of 2012, I had a gall bladder attack that caused me to have emergency surgery. I will write more about that in another post.

One more recently obtained excuse that has me teetering with my weight is that we are moving to another State in the new year. My husband has already moved and we both (me with kids) are commuting back and forth. I have to get this house ready to sell or rent, and there is a lot to do because I spent so much time focused on caring for my mother, three children, husband, and job.

Stay tuned for more status updates, recipes, and goals.

How have you been during my time away? Have you achieved your goals? How did you achieve them? How do you plan to continue maintaining goals? What is your advice to me and others about working on weight loss again?

Statins & Alzheimer's?

I have my own opinions as to why my mother has early onset dementia and now Alzheimer's at the age of 76.  This week, the FDA has some new recommendations for the prescription of statins for high cholesterol.  My mother has been on statins since the mid 1980s.  Probably a little too long to be on such a drug.  The FDA states that discontinued use can eliminate the memory loss issues, but if you've been taking them for 30+ years, will she get better?

Also the use of statins is supposed to affect blood sugar, which is problematic for diabetics and could create pre-diabetic conditions.  With Alzheimer's being considered a Type III diabetes, I can't help but connect all the dots and point to statins as being a major factor in her medical problems.  

One thing is for sure, I will do everything possible to not to be on a statin regimen because cholesterol is the body's bandaid.  

Chocolate is my love . . .

I haven't been diligent with writing because I've been bingeing on sugar.  Sugar is my enemy. Chocolate, specifically, is my drug.  Due to the insane holiday seasons that introduce candy every month, I've been consuming copious amounts of dark chocolate; but am not immune to milk chocolate (albeit allergic to milk).

I'm still grain free, but I managed to bake some gluten free chocolate cookies that are essentially a big pile of sugar.  They were yummy.  And now I have a sugar coma.  I feel this pressure release when I consume chocolate.  It is like the anxiety and pent up energy and emotions are slowly released in a deep, meditative exhale.  It is weird to even feel calm as I write about chocolate and sugar.

I've not exercised, which caused me to have an anxiety attack last week.  I ended up in urgent care thinking I was having a heart attack.  I've not had one land me in the hospital in a long time, so I was due.  The pressures of parenting, care taking, career, financial issues, all boiled in my pressure cooker, and I thought I would flip my lid.  

I am not 100% better.  I am still working through my issues.  I'm human.  I feel physically better about the changes I've made with going grain free, but now want to focus on giving up sugar again.  Oh, yeah!  I failed to mention that I had an Almond Milk Latte kick.  However, I've been making them at home and saving money.  I haven't had one since Monday.  It was only 3 days of Latte bliss, but I am back on the wagon of going sugary latte free.

I want to finally make the combination of eating and exercise work toward weight loss.  My goal is to do Jillian Michael's DVDs again.  She is due to have another DVD released, which is kickboxing.  You do not know the love I have for kickboxing.  I want to rotate her DVD series to get the best out of her workouts.  Did you see she has now gone the informercial route?  I was a bit peeved, but the gal does have an incredible sense fitness and structure.  

I've been wanting to go the crossfit route, but the gyms locally are very cost prohibitive.  Hubby and I watched a Crossfit competition on ESPN.  We were so awed and impressed.  However, for weights, medicine balls, and cardio, I am not interested in spending $150/mo for fitness.  And hubby did that when he was in college--he says he was tortured while playing football, so he has no interest in co-crossfitting with me.  I am not feeling motivated to workout in my dungeon, despite having all the equipment at my disposal.  But time, money and support are limited and I have to do what is easiest and available.  5 a.m. workouts, here I come!

We all need motivators to work out, what's yours?

Scale Steppin' Saturday--194.3

Lunch today at 3 p.m. because I was not prepare to feed myself.

Well, that weight is a surprise.  Because I am all about full disclosure, I weighed in last Saturday at 195.4, which was .1 lbs less than the previous week's weigh-in.  It wasn't that I wasn't proud of any loss or embarrassed by the minuscule loss, I was just not in the spirit of blogging about anything.  I was lazy and irritable.

I am still going through a lot of stressors.  They are the same stressors that I will have for a long time: 3 kids, Nana, and a full time job out of the home, while hubby is away for most of it.  I am still in therapy, but sometimes a biweekly visit to chat for an hour isn't enough.  But I don't have the time or the energy to do more visits.

These last few days were horrible.  I ate so much chocolate that I could have had my own candy shop.  And to have a loss is remarkable.   While I am proud to keep losing weight, I wish I could contain my sugar addiction.  I did so well the first month, but then I figured dark chocolate can't hurt.  Darn you, Trader Joes and Aldi chocolates with your inexpensive price point.

I've had issues with constipation, it is not due to being Paleo/Primal.  I am eating enough fiber with the salads, veggies and fruit.  My issue is water.  I have to keep drinking a lot of water throughout the day.  I have a multitude of water bottles, but must force myself to refill and sip throughout the day.

Exercise was much better.  Four days of exercise this week.  I got up at 5 a.m. to workout.  I didn't work out on Friday because my daughter has been waking up at 3 a.m. and calling me.  I am a light sleeper and usually can't fall back to sleep within a quick time, so I am exhausted and irritable for the rest of the day.

My goal for the coming week:

1. Drink water throughout the day. 
2. Exercise 5 times this week.
3. Reduce chocolate consumption. 
4. Prepare my food in advance so I don't scramble to get something fixed.  .  

If you can eliminate one bad behavior when you are stressed, what is it?

Will You Ever Eat Grains Again?

My friend and colleague asked me that question today when I showed her my meals for today.  I prepped my breakfast of 1 egg + 1 egg white, which I made into a fritata with kale and leftover meatloaf that I made with parsnips, carrots, onions, garlic, and kale, and a banana.  Lunch was a salad with left over pork chop and french dressing (it was authentic--from a bottle), and grapes.  She marveled at the amount of salad dressing and asked how much I had in a small glass container; probably not more than 2 tablespoons--because that is fattening, she exclaimed.  I also had fruit for snack.  

My friend has enrolled herself in a weight loss program at one of the local hospitals.  She has been struggling with her weight for many years.  She credits me with inspiring her to workout and eat better.  However, she is doing "conventional dieting" through this nutrition program.  She asked the physician at her meeting last night what he thought about going grain free.  As a cardiologist, he didn't recommend it.  He said it wasn't sustainable if there weren't any medical reason to be off of grains, then one shouldn't.  Maybe gluten can be eliminated, but other grains were impossible to remove totally because we need them in our diet.  He stated that we needed grains in our diet.  My friend noted that he didn't promote a high carbohydrate diet either.  

I've been reading about Dr. William Davis, a cardiologist and author of Wheat Belly.  I've read several articles in which he was interviewed about his theory on gluten.  Everything I've read in his interviews, without reading his book, resonated with me.  Essentially, grains (most specifically gluten) are genetically modified and do not add any real nutritive value and can actually harm us.  Dr. Davis' patients, upon removing gluten from their diet, recovered from many of their illnesses, such as diabetes, asthma, arthritis.  Those recoveries also supported their heart health.  Patients who did not stick to the diet had reoccurring heart attacks.  Patients who followed the "no gluten diet", did significantly better.

When I first got into Paleo, I wanted to lose weight.  It was my way of losing this fat and getting out of a rut that I physically and psychological couldn't get out of.  But when I realized the added benefit of not adding a steroid into my lungs twice a day everyday, which I'd done for the last 9 years, I was pleased that I could save my lungs and save so much money.

I gave up dairy 2 years ago because it did more harm to my body than good.  Once I got medical confirmation that I am actually allergic to dairy, I also confirmed within myself that I made the right call.  I listened to myself and went with my "gut" instinct.  I am doing the same with grains because it has caused more harm to my body than good.  I am planning on doing some food allergy testing and get confirmation that I am gluten intolerant.  Once I do, I will share on the blog.  However, I do feel so good mentally and physically, that I may keep this up indefinitely even if the results prove negative.

How do you deal with people who doubt your weight loss method?

Scale Steppin Saturday--195.5

I am down a smidge more in weight.  I weighed in this morning at 195.5 lbs.  I am happy and giddy.

This week was a bit rough.  I had PMS and my TOM and tons of cravings for chocolate, which I satisfied every night with a couple of pieces of dark chocolate.  However, last night I did a bit of a chocolate binge having half a bar.  And Trader Joe's definitely betrayed me by having dark chocolate bars for $1.59, so I bought two. No, I didn't rip into those, but they were bought in a "just-in-case-haze" while getting more coconut oil.  

I am feeling well and definitely proud of having a loss.  I worked out 5 times this week.  I may workout today when I can steal away a bit of a break from the kids.  But I have a ton of things to get to this weekend.    Laundry, cleaning bathrooms, and all that lovely stuff.  

Goals for the week:

• Eat grain free
• No sugar--yeah, Trader Joe's, let's see about those dark chocolate bars.
• Workout 5 times a week.
• Manage my home life so I can reduce the feelings of overwhelming-ness.
• Drink tons of water.

This week has been hard because I get to a point where I feel overwhelmed.  Having a full time job out of the house keeps me extremely busy and then when I am home, I have limited time to do everything I need to do before wanting to crash.  I know that the stress of my home life and work is contributing to my stress, which keeps a body inflamed and retaining fat.  But I am doing pretty good.   I am looking forward to getting to 190 lbs, which is my next goal.  

How do you deal with stress?

Running, again?

I've been exercising this week.  Three days of 30 minutes of cardio with some strength training afterwards.  This is a pic of me at my first 5K in October of 2009.  I've been saying that I was at 207 lbs, but I think it was more like 212 lbs.  Now that I am below 200, I'd like to give running a try again.  

I started running on a treadmill in Summer of 2009 because I thought it would help get rid of the baby weight from having #3.  I remember that while running this race, I was feeling so out of shape despite 5 months of training.  I was shocked because I could run a 5K on the treadmill; no problems.  I failed to realize that the impact on the body of the concrete and the wind against your body makes for a different running experience than on the treadmill.  I was in so much physical pain.  While in the middle of the race, I wanted to stop running.  I thought I would die.  

Obviously, I didn't die.  I did a second 5K in January of 2010 when I made the halfhearted commitment to run a race a month for 2010.  Yeah, one race in January with the slush and the freezing rain, and I got over that immediately.  However, right now, I am feeling that I never gave running my all.  I always wanted to go back to the October race to compare my time.  Heck, what was that time?  But I need time to train.  I also want to lose weight during training because I know the less pounds, the faster I'll be.  

I know my limitations in running.  I want to do 5Ks and 10Ks, but the thought of a half marathon or a full marathon is daunting and just plain old crazy.  I am not that competitive.  I'll consider my life being full despite not running a marathon.  But I didn't complete my 5Ks, and that nags me.

I want to take a 2012 race picture and compare it with this one and see how far I've gotten: time wise and body wise.  I think that I will check into the race information for October, and think about it for the next few weeks.  If I register, I will let you know.

What goals have you yet to accomplish that you are hoping to conquer?