Transitions . . .

From 2011-08-27    I needed a blogging break.  A break from letting the world know that I felt like a complete failure. The list of failures are vast and are forever expansive. We bought a house within 28 days.  We took two days to move our family of 5 from our 3-year-rental to our new-to-us home.  A week later, I flew to Boston by my lonesome and moved my mother to our home.  When I arrived, I was shattered by this woman's appearance.  You see, that is not the mother I remember.  She had lost a tremendous amount of weight . . . probably about 15-20 lbs.  At her appointment in August, a month and a half after moving here, she weighed in at 127 lbs.  She said she was about 127 after giving birth to me over 35-years-ago.  She had consistently weighed about 140-160 at her heaviest.  Most drastic was the fact that she walked slower than my toddler.  Her feet hurt.  Her body was weaker.  I saw another person that wasn't my mother.  She had forgotten that I was moving her.  While she didn't refuse to move, she was confused.  I cried for two days.

Her apartment was filthy.  I figured it was all the boxes that were packed.  Those two days were filled with packing and assessing her things.  After talking with my uncle, I came to the conclusion that all that "stuff" was not worth the move.  My husband wouldn't be able to drop everything to fly back to Boston to pack up a small truck to drive 2 days to Madison.  It wasn't worth it.  She was the only thing of value.  She agreed, but would later forget our agreement.  We stayed at a hotel the night before our trip to my home because I needed a good night's sleep and the shuttle drove us to the airport at 4 a.m.

Living with a 6th person has been a difficult adjustment. She is now my 75-year-old, 4th child.  My entire life, I've been translating, interpreting, counseling, advising my mother because I speak both Spanish and English fluently.  I left home at 18 to have a break from being a parentified kid.  Now, I am her parent again.  I am parenting my parent.  I have to repeat things constantly . . . every two minutes, like the contractions of a woman in labor.  For two months she packed, and unpacked.  Talked about going back to Boston.  Asking if she paid rent.  She'd ask if she could go to the bank to get money to give to me.  She'd ask for house keys.  She'd want to go back to Boston to see her sisters.  She would have these very vivid delusions of events and people that just didn't exist.  She'd tell me that she hadn't spoken to my godmother for days when I know she spoke to her the day before.  Old stories were told for the 258th time.  One little act would signal a memory from very long ago.  Puerto Rico is how she referenced Madison; she is constantly reminded of Puerto Rico [I can say from experience that Madison, especially in winter, is not like Puerto Rico].  And she forgot who I was . . . on a couple of occasions.

A few weeks ago, we finally had an opportunity to go to the Memory Clinic.  After a 2.5 hour testing, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  Thanks, memory Gods for that one.  This was not the way I'd envisioned her life to end.  No one asks to work for over 40 years, raise a daughter by herself, retire, and suffer from severe memory loss at the end of her long life.  She cannot enjoy the things she may have planned on enjoying.  While she doesn't feel pain, I feel it.  I feel a grief  . . the loss of a parent.  I feel an orphan.  When she sits with a blank stare at me and the children, I grieve.

I am not the most patient of caretakers.  I snap too quickly.  We've always had a back and forth, sarcastic and condescending responses to one another--my husband picked up on that one day.  I get frustrated with the questions.  I ask her to sit down or go to her room way too often when I can't cope with her questions or actions.  It is sad.  She deserves better.  She needs better.  Our chaotic home is not conducive to her needs for tranquility.  While I do provide her with a home, room, furniture, bath, food, doctor's appointments, etc., I am feeling overwhelmed and ill equipped to deal with her needs, 3 children, a husband, and a full time job.

On the personal health and weight loss front, Alzheimer's has given me better habits.  The doctor told me that this is hereditary and is passed on the mother's side.  Without saying it, he told me that I need to prepare myself and my children for this disease to strike me.  I don't want to binge.  I don't want to overeat.  I want to take care of me.  I've reduced my carbs to the morning.  I eat salad and protein for lunch and dinner (soup occassionally with my salad).  I don't overeat anymore.  I don't take seconds.  I actually don't want it.  I am grieving still.  I am sad.  And while sadness usually was the fuel for my desire to eat, it isn't anymore.

I tried out for Madison's Biggest Loser (MBL) competition between 5 local gyms.  On a Tuesday, at 5 a.m., I went to the gym and worked out with 28 other contestants.  We ran 1/2 a mile down and up a hill.  We did stair runs, bear crawls, and plyometrics.  While I can easily say that I was one of the fittest woman, I was bummed that I wasn't selected to join the program for free.  I know that there were others who needed it much more.  However, I felt that I needed it for my mental health.  Despite the rejection, I made a plan.  I would continue the low carb diet (which means no carbs after lunch) and would start my own boot camp training program at home.

Last week, I devised a new training plan for our Christmas vacation; either California or Florida.  Last week, I started working out daily and will be working out in 30 day phases.  I've been exercising daily for the last 6 days in Phase I.  Phase I of my program is to alternate Level 1 of Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 and 30 Day Shred.  It breaks up the monotony of the routines when I alternate the videos.  I have been using 3 lb weights and have been doing a lot of modifications for jumping because I injured my right heel during the pre-screening training when competing for spot on MBL.  I have plantar fasciitis, which I believe is from the excess weight and the plyometrics that I like to do that doesn't agree with my excess weight.

I supplement that routine with a cardio workout afterwards.  I have a treadmill and I have a spin bike, which I alternate per day along with the video.  For example, today, I did 30DS with 3 lb weights, followed by 20 minute walk treadmill.  I plan to incorporate 3 days of Yoga because I need to stretch the lower body muscles, especially downward dog for my heel and hamstrings.  I bought Yogalosophy by Mandy Ingber and will try out the 35 min routine tonight.  I used Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga a few days ago after my Jillian DVD and Treadmill routine.  It really helps to loosen tight muscles for the next day.  I am doing one level per 7 days.  On Wednesday, I will go to Level 2 in each DVD; and will change levels every 7 days.  However, at the end of 30 days, I will go to Phase II.

I will have two more phases. These two phases will be an increase in weights and reducing the modifications.  They will still be Ripped in 30 and 30 Day Shred because I like the convenience of the quick, compound movements and done in 20 minutes.  Starting back at Level 1 in the DVDs, Phase II will be 5 lb weights and lesser modifications for 30 days with supplemental cardio and Yoga.  I will start over with Level 1 again with Phase III, which will be 8 lb weights and no modifications for 30 days with supplemental cardio and Yoga.  I anticipate that I can do this barring any injuries or illnesses.  I know for a fact that for the next 90 days, I don't have any vacations or business trips, so there will be no interruptions to my routine.

There may be a lot of criticism about repetitive strength motions and plyometrics with Jillian's DVDs, however, I figure that there are a lot of injuries when the moves are done incorrectly.  I feel a bit sore today in my bum.  However, I have a sedentary job reading and editing papers and petitions, so My butt is literally sore from sitting.  I stretch and move around often. I feel stronger.  I have more energy to walk up the flights of stairs to my car in the parking ramp.  Weeks ago, I didn't have the endurance.  I am literally sprinting up the stairs with a large purse and lunch bag.  This workout is making my body better, not worse.

Most importantly, I am mentally in a better place now that I have a set workout and eating plan.  It isn't so hard anymore.  Before, my issues clouded the simplicity of my plans: eat less, move more, feel better.  My issues have taken a back seat to Nana's issues and that of my trying to delay any personal onset of memory loss for as long as I can.

While I will be back to update as often as life allows, I hope you will support me even if I take days or weeks to write.  It isn't that updating readers lacks priority, it's just that I am trying to make it all work out to the best of my ability.

How do you prioritize life's rewards and challenges and maintain a healthy and fit lifestyle?

Hot Yoga

A new Hot Yoga studio is opening up in my town.  Hot Yoga benefits are:

• allows muscles to become more flexible.
• allows you to go deeper into a pose.
• helps to diminish the risk of injuries.
• promotes sweating which helps you release toxins.
• promotes weight loss.

I am so excited to start attending that I started back on Yoga on Wednesday of this week.  I did my Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga DVD that I love so much.  Now, I am sure it is easier than Hot Yoga, which is in a room that is over 100 degrees fahrenheit, but it is great to get my body back to the poses.I missed a workout on Thursday, but I got up at 5:25 a.m. today and did Shiva Rea's Daily Energy.  I chose a warm up, Earth, and Savasana (dead man's pose).  I also have Bob Harper's Yoga for the Warrior DVD that comes in sessions of 15 minutes and one hour.

Shiva's DVD is great because you get to select the sequences that you want to do and combine them or do 20 minutes at a time.  I choose Earth because it is a series of asanas (poses) that are for both arms and lower body.  You do a lot of planks and 90 degree bends of your legs.  A love downward dog, so it allows me to do that, which stretches my legs and works my arms.  I'll do anything to get Michelle Obama arms.  I love her lean arms. 

I am very disappointed by how much flexibility I've lost since stopping Yoga.  I can barely do downward dog.  My knees are more bent.  It is harder to hold the pose because my upper body is no longer as strong.  It was quite humbling.  But I press on. 


Do you do Yoga?  If so what do you like about it?  If not, what keeps you away from the practice?

As Big As A House . . .

Recently, my boy has verbally lashed out at me and hurt my feelings whenever he is angry or denied something he wants. His autism doesn't allow him to filter his words, so he lays it out there. He has told me recently that I am "as big as a house." That hurt. Bad.

Ever since his stinging statement, I made changes to my eating; with a vengeance. I made salads with chicken and my own vinaigrette. I packed cut veggies and fruit with a protein, such as a hard boiled egg. My snacks are healthier. I've been drinking water. And I hadn't binged during those days. He was right in one respect, I am as big because I had gained weight from hovering at 205 to 210. I was uncomfortable. On Thursday morning of this week, I weighed in at 204; just 3 days of eating well got me down to 204. Yes, a lot of water weight, but I'll take it. That was all done without exercising this week.

On Wednesday night, I was craving something sweet. I was contemplating baking some WW cookies, but eat the whole batch by myself. I went out to pick up my prescriptions at the Walgreens, and I started looking in the snack aisle for sweets. Cookies. Reading labels. Went to the dairy section to see if they had a dairy free ice cream with chocolate. Nothing. I thought I'd buy a pack of gum. Walked to the gum section by the register. And I realized that I am a sugar addict. My body has unreasonably become addicted to sugar. I was having withdrawals and shakes from not having processed sweets. I walked out of Walgreens with no sweets. No gum. No candy bar. No cookies. I truly felt that I was finally on my way to making changes. I credit my 7-year-old, mildly autistic boy for telling me the "truth." A truth I didn't want to face. A truth I was not told by my friends. A truth I was not told by my husband.

Hubby and I took an overnight away from the kids to go to a golf scramble.  It was fun and exciting and I hope to get back into the sport.  However, I need new clubs; it has been 13 years since I bought mine. However, what was not great was the box of fudge left in the hotel room for us.  I ate two pieces.  Ugghh.  But I figured I'd make it up by eating a nice salad for dinner the night we arrived to our retreat.  Not so.  It was all finger foods at the reception.  The next day I tried to eat a good salad, but nothing appealed to me.  I have very particular tastes about the kinds of veggies included in the salad.  And a lot of things are either Caesar or Cobb salad with a ton of extras and dairy that I can't or don't want to have.  For dinner last night at the next reception was all stadium food--burgers, brats and hotdogs with cookies.  Cookies, my weakness.  I ate 4.  Yes, there you have it.

But today, we are home.  We are going to the Italian fest in our area.  I will try to make the best selection possible.  I will still pack food.  I will make better choices at home.  It is a job.  It is an effort that has to be made every single time I have to choose.

I will most likely be offline during this month.  We made an offer on an actual house (instead of being compared to one).  We close at the end of the month and will move out of our rental.  I will be busy packing and purging and donating.  I am excited and nervous about this new chapter of our lives.  I am hoping that the home purchase and "rooting" will give me the peace that I've been seeking over these last couple of years and reduce my emotional eating.

What is your reaction to hurtful words? 

Ruthless . . .

There is a movie called Ruthless People with Bette Midler. I loved that movie when I first saw it in the 80s. I love Bette Midler. One memorable scenes is when she is being held captive in a basement for ransom. Because she has all the time in her hands, Bette's character decides to workout and eat better. Ultimately, she loses weight and says something to the effect that she has spent a fortune on fat loss spas and products, but being held in a basement for ransom helped her lose the weight.

I will be going away for a few days for professional development. My secondary goal is to be free from the little stressors of home. I hope to exercise and eat right during my three day.  I call it a "family sabbatical".  I already do well with exercise, but I don't do well with the intake of food.  

I've downloaded enough food addiction podcasts to last me the weekend. I listened to one this morning while on the treadmill at 5 a.m. It was 5 minutes, but the most enlightening 5 minutes of my time on this blog. I'm always searching for answers as to why I overeat. I have relayed many of them here, but the ultimate reason is "GUILT". Yes, guilt.

I binged yesterday because I felt guilt over leaving my children for 3 days while I gain some more knowledge on how to do my paying job effectively. Guilt for not doing enough in my paying job. Guilt for not keeping the house up to snuff as a former stay-at-home mother. Guilt for leaving the 3 kids to work a full time, paying job so I can support them financially.  Guilt for not calling my mother enough when she is losing her memory. Guilt for being angry with my mother for losing her memory (blaming her) and doing nothing about becoming more socially active and an active participant in her own well being. Guilt for being angry with a husband who works too much (in order to take care of our family). Guilt for overeating. Guilt for not working out enough. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt . . . GUILT!

It is debilitating to write that word so many times, so you can imagine "feeling" that word every hour of my day. I am trying to compartmentalize the guilt and resolve those feelings so I can move past them. I can't resolve all the world's problems in my paying job. I can't be the perfect mother for my 3 kids. I can't be the perfect wife. I can't keep a perfect house. I can't be the perfect daughter.  Guilt also leads me to fears.  I will write about "fears" in the future.

What can I do? I can try my hardest, everyday, to accomplish small tasks that can get me near-perfect; like taking care of myself first so that I may take care of others. This trip will allow me to step back a bit and rejuvinate, so I may come back and be more giving. I am flying to Memphis in the morning and hope to meet a lot of people in my profession. I hope to socialize with many folks at the conference.  I want to exercise everyday and walk outdoors.  I want to enjoy being in a city that I've never been in.  All the while, I will be praying for the flood victims and for receding waters.  

What's eating you (guilt, fear, etc)?

Reflection . . .

I had a great Mother's Day; excluding baby being hit on the side of her noggin by her brother's after swing of his bat (yes, a real bat).  We sat outside after a nice breakfast of pecan waffles with syrup, bacon and one egg with a small glass of orange juice. I chased that with lunch of leftover Chinese fried rice and fried chicken wings. And capped that off with a hefty serving of roasted chicken, bread stuffing, rice, and peas. I was stuffed.  Outside, we blew bubbles.  I looked over to the window and saw my reflection.  Thankfully, I had my camera in hand documenting the bubble fun, and took this pic of myself; in all my glory.

Sitting is never a lovely angle for me.  I have the gut that impending motherhood of 3 pregnancies left me with.  I do not love my arms.  I love long, lean and defined arms.  Worst of all, I feel like a stuffed turkey.  I am bloated and flabby; plain 'ole uncomfortable in my shell.  I literally feel the anxiety of wanting to zip open my outer shell and step out as a thinner and comfortable woman; just like we feel when we have had a far too long winter, and we don't want to put on our winter coats ever again.  The thought of putting on that coat makes us shiver in disgust.  I feel like shivering every time I put on jeans that cut into my flesh or wear a shirt that makes my arms feel like sausage in a casing. 

I just feel stuffed. Filled physically, to the point where I am uncomfortable. I decided I needed to step back from the eating of real food. Well, tonight is my birthday dinner with friends. Hubby arranged for us to sit at the Chef's table and have a 6 course meal with wine pairings (I abstain from alcohol) to eat myself into oblivion.  A meal prepared just for me and my likes.  I've been waiting for this meal since February when we went to a friend's Chef's meal.  But now, I am dreading it.  Simply dreading it.

Today, I am doing a liquid diet. I am eating my green monsters with protein powder. At lunch, I will have a small serving of leftover cannellini bean and shrimp soup that I made a few days ago. I have considered doing a liquid diet when I get back from a conference at the end of the week. I even thought of taking my blender.

My mind tells me that those "quick fix" diets and fasting or juicing don't work. That they wreck your metabolism and do more harm than good. My thought is more of re-balancing my intake and being more mindful of what I am consuming without gorging. I will gorge on actual food. I will not gorge on a green monster.

I am hoping to see Fat Sick and Nearly Dead when it is available on Netflix. It is about a man who goes on a liquid diet for 60 days with the goal of better health. He travels around the US promoting his plan, and "recruits" a truck driver to do the program with him. There are health and fitness bloggers who often drink a combination of fruits, veggies, and protein powders as a supplement; not so much a replacement of meals.  They've gone as far as packing their suitcase with a blender to create healthy drinks while traveling.

It is a thought.  What do you think?

Have you ever considered a liquid diet of fresh fruits, veggies, and protein powders?

Exercise Twice

When I lost 75 lbs in college, I started exercising by running around my college's football stadium that had a track.  I would walk or jog daily and run up and down the stadium stairs.  I worked at the Police Department on campus as a work study, and I was able to use the gym for lifting weights in the building's attic.  It was a recipe for success.  I often exercised twice a day without a second thought.  I was 20.  I could do that easily because I was young and getting fit.  I lost 75 lbs in 5 months.  Yes, I was like a Biggest Loser contestant without the ranch or the prizes. 

A week ago, I saw Mrs. Obama on The View.  She was talking about military families with Dr. Jill Biden.  One of the comments from Sherri Shepherd was that Mrs. Obama often works out twice a day.  Mrs. Obama responded that since her husband entered office, she isn't allowed to walk around in public, so she needs to exercise for the amount of time that she would otherwise be actively walking as a normal citizen.  This resonated with me.  Immensely!

I immediately thought back to my exercising in college.  I was always on the go.  Being in Boston, I walked from class building to class building; often one side of campus to another. Up and down stairs to get to my destination.  Walked from one side of campus to get to work. Walked back to my dorm.  Exercised for the day.  Worked a job where I often walked from dorm to job at the YMCA and back.  And would make time to workout at the Y because I had a free membership and had help from the trainers.  Walked back to my dorm or commuted on two trains and a bus to my home.  I was in a constant state of activity.  I was 20.

In 2008, when I started being most active, I had a parking spot in a Lot much farther from work.  I never took the elevator and walked up and down flights of stairs. I would often would work out at 5 a.m at home for an hour or so.  On reasonable weather days, I'd go for a walk with my coworker; even when I worked out at 5 a.m.  I strapped on a pedometer and made sure to meet 10K steps a day. 

In September of 2010, I got a new parking pass for the Lot across the street.  I started taking the elevator to get to the outside from the lot.  I then started taking the elevator in my work building.  The walks during the day decreased to nothing because of winter.  I removed my pedometer from my sneaker.  My getting up at 5 a.m. stopped because everything else stopped.  I didn't have the same vim and vigor for exercise as I did when I started this journey in 2009. 

Nothing changed in my home.  I still had a treadmill and spin bike.  My exercise DVDs were still intact and waiting to be played.  I'd even purchased kettlebells that have been gathering dust in my little corner of the play room.  My mat was rolled up in a corner without it being used for my beloved Yoga practice.

This past week on Wednesday, I'd had enough. Hubby has been traveling since Wednesday in the a.m. I got myself up at 5:17 a.m. and got dressed to workout.  I turned on the TV and pressed "on demand" to retrieve a video from Exercise TV.  I'd just changed to Uverse, so I now have access to tons of short exercise videos that I can use one alone or combine for a good workout.  I've been working out everyday since Wednesday, even on my birthday, May 1.  I woke up on my special day and put on a kickboxing video.  I've been doing kickboxing videos as a start to my morning for 6 days straight.  I cross train with either a spin session or walk/run session on the treadmill for at least 45 minutes of cardio. 

I am very out of shape for running.  I am trying to build up my endurance.  It'll be slow, but I'll get back to running shape for the 10K I plan on running in October. I also want to build up strength in my upper body.  I have a thing for long and lean arms. 

This morning as I worked out at 5:15 a.m. again, I realized that my sedentary lifestyle (a stark contrast to my college lifestyle) requires me to put in a second workout; just like Mrs. Obama.  Now, I don't want to sound like I am an obsessive compulsive who can become addicted to exercise, but "read" me out.  My life is dramatically different than when I was in college.  I drive now.  I live in a ruralesque city.  I live in the suburbs.  I have three kids that I cart around in a minivan.  I drive to the supermarket, post office, daycare, school, and work.  Once I enter my job, I sit behind a desk and work on the computer.  I sit at my desk and read briefs and make corrections.  I sit and review cases.  I sit and call or retrieve messages.  I go to meetings where I sit and communicate with others who are also seated.  I sit and eat meals and snacks at my desk.  I do a short walk to retrieve my vehicle, get the kids, go home cook, and veg out on the couch, "exhausted" from my day.

As you may empathize, that "exhaustion" is mental--NOT PHYSICAL.  I didn't do enough in my day to be exhausted.  Compared to day laborers, skilled workers and farmers, I have a sweet and easy life.  And I should be doing more activity.  I should be exercising when I put the kids to bed.  Why don't I?  Not because I am lazy, but often times it is vegging out when hubby is home.  I sit with him and talk while we watch TV or a movie.  He is gone so often (like these past 6 days that I have been working out), that I like to spend all my time with him.  I'd rather get up and workout, but I join him in the family room to sit.  I feel this sense of responsibility to be a wife and devote time to him.  I remember when I stopped being the active woman that I was in 1994 and thereafte; I started dating him and wanting to spend time with him.

Okay, now this is "blame the man" time.  Actually, when we were dating and then living together, we were quite active.  We worked out in the mornings together by walking and jogging around the cemetery in our neighborhood in Maine, and we would meet at the University's gym after work.  Often, I drove several miles after work to meet him before joining my own gym closer to work.  I would work out in the morning with him, then I would workout at the gym either at lunch or after work because I was sedentary during the work hours.  When his role at work was elevated, his exercise lessened.  Now that he travels and works so many long hours, he doesn't exercise at all.  For many years, I followed suit until I had Lootie Tootie in 2008.  I couldn't stand being sedentary anymore.  I was frazzled as a married, mid-30-year-old with 3 kids.

Going from a city girl to a rural dweller and then a mom, changed my body.  I want to get back to the body I worked so hard for in the early 90s.  I no longer want to make excuses for being this size or allowances for being a wife and mom.  I do use Mrs. Obama as a role model because she and I are in the same profession and have children.  She is a lot busier than I am with her platform and world wide travels, but we are all in the same struggle to maintain good health and moderate weight.

So, I am going to workout twice a day for at least 21 days and see if I form a habit.  Now, I don't think I will be doing the insane, intense routines as in the Biggest Loser, but I will do my weight training and get back to Yoga in the evenings after having completed cardio in the mornings.  I am going to strap on the pedometer (once I find it) to ensure I get 10K steps a day.  And I will take the stairs and walk as often as I can; even forcing myself to take a few breaks to sneak it in during the day.  Today, I made plans to walk with my coworker at 11 a.m. CT, and I am looking forward to getting some fresh air.  I hope to do Yoga tonight for my arms, legs, and flexibility.  I am excited. 

How active are you during the day?  What "obstacles" are keeping you from being more active?

God

        I've been researching Overeater's Anonymous.  I am a researcher by nature and education.  I have to read and study on my latest interest before I delve into it.  When I complete that research, I then entrench myself into the subject matter.  I keep studying and perfecting what I do.  It becomes a compulsion.  It seems to me that I get addicted to that "thing".  I've been researching Overeater's Anonymous after watching Ruby this weekend.  Everyone told her that she needed a 12 step program.  I've written about it before.  And I am going to be as honest as possible about my reservations.  Please keep an open mind when you read the following.

        I am having a problem with the word "God".  Now, I don't want to offend the readers who have a connection to a higher power and may categorize themselves as members of a specific religious group.  I read a lot of healthy living blogs that are very religious based and am not offended or turned off by the way they conduct their daily lives.  As a Catholic, I have a faith in my God.  I was raised by a parent who made sure to take me to Church every Sunday--to Catholicism school every week for my rites of passage as a Catholic.  Since leaving home at 18, it hasn't been a practice; not even during special occassions such as Easter (yesterday).  I don't want to be a hypocrit about religion and practice.  I want to keep this blog and my life in a neutral plane and not promote one side over another.  For example, Yoga, to me, is not a spiritual practice of worshipping a higher, external power, but an internal power that connects the body and mind.  But I know that many religions would not think that Yoga is a practice that should be undertaken because it takes away from seeking and finding God when you are seeking strength within yourself. 
    
        I am a person that tries to seek power within myself.  I want to be strong both physically and mentally.  I am not saying I can't have God in my life because I want to be internally strong.  However, I don't think there is anything wrong with having both. 

        My issue with the term "God" in OA, is this overwhelming thought that I am going to be shamed for not being religious enough.  Now, I recognize that the term God could be used to mean a "higher power" within the person--and just place the word to signify that.  I was introduced to this concept by Geneen Roth in Women Food and God.  But it is still quite startingly to live the 12 steps in faith of "God".

The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous


1.We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
        This I can admit to, and this is the very statement that makes me want to go to a meeting and work hard to change my life around.  I am powerless.  I have my moments of strength, but it is overshadowed my greater moments of weakness. 

2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
        I do believe that there is a higher Power.  But I also feel that there is a Power within myself that is locked deep inside.  I need that Power to be released to keep me consistent with eating healthy and moderately, so I may finally lose weight; but most importantly, keep it off indefinitely.

3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
        Hmmm.  This is where I start to have trouble.  This is where I start to panic and feel like I will disappoint Him and myself for not living up to His expectations.  I don't want to turn over control to God.  I felt like I did that as a child when I was sent to Him for training and practice in Catholicism.  I fell away from Catholicism's consistency to live my life within the high morality and values I was taught, but with an independence gained from just learning and living my own life on my own terms.

4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
        I think I've been doing that all along.  I try to search within and figure out "why" I behave in that manner and I've been brutally honest with myself.   

5.Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
        I know that I share a lot of my "truths" in this blog. However, it is still anonymously.  You don't know me personally, and despite all the frienships made, we don't reveal every nitty gritty detail.  I do talk about it to my husband on occassion.  I have a work buddy that I talk to openly when we go for our walks.. I know why I do this. I have taken inventory of every aspect of my life in order to find meaning in my behaviors, and I've been willing to share that openly. However, I will say that I am not openly honest about the sneaking of food, the sensation of gulping down a Snickers or a saucer cookie, and the extreme guilt and frustration as the consequence of that food addiction.  I've often prayed to God to deliver me from this behavior and to Jesus to give me strength at every moment of overwhelming-ness. 

6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
        Maybe.  I ask Him daily to help me with these feelings and compulsion to eat.  I ask Him to help me with all the "problems" that drive me to eat more than my physiological needs.  But, a huge but, I don't know if I am entirely ready for Him to remove all the defects of character.  Why?  Because that means I must submit to Him; to a religion or a consistent practice of going to Him and seeking Him out.  I think it is what I said about "shame" for not being religious enough, not devoted enough, not loving enough (to myself, maybe), not "good enough", not deserving enough, and not worthy of His time and care.  The list can go on and on without an end in sight.

7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
        I don't understand how I can ask Him to help me remove all my shortcomings and the problems that drive me to eat, but can't submit to His will and guidance.  But I desperately want the shortcomings to be removed so I can get peace from these thoughts and feelings.  I want the layers of fat (my outside expression of shortcomings) to be peeled off so I can enjoy this life.

8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
        Wow.  Where do I start with this one?  Honestly, I feel like there are a lot more people that need to make amends to me.  Yes, I can rationalize whom I've harmed, but I feel more victimized.  Maybe that is the problem.  I don't think of the things I may have done to others, but focus and dwell on what others have done to me.  My mother worked too much.  My father abandoned me.  My husband works to much.  My husband moves me too often.  I can go on and on with this one, but must study whom I've harmed over the years of my food addiction:  my children for giving them an unhealthy and unsound mother during my depression and addiction to food; my mother for sneaking food in contradiction of her rules; my husband whose lived with a ballooning wife that chooses food over his love. 

9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
         Must I?  How?  Well, for starters, I can actually work hard to stop overeating and admit to them and apologize when I have done so.  In my inventory of people, I don't think my making amends would injure them; except the children who may in turn learn about food issues from my revelations.  I think it would bring us together.

10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
        Yes.  I will.  This blog serves as my personal inventory and admission of wrong doing.  I will do more of that.  And I will be more honest with myself and others about the impact and consequence of my overeating.  One thing hubby can tell you is that I hate to be wrong.  I am a know-it-all. 

11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
        I need more help with this.  Prayer and meditation is a constant.  I ask for help through my silent prayers to God, but I need to "[understand] Him" and learn more about "knowledge of His will for us".  I have a general understanding of what this means.  And I am certain that an OA meeting will help me with that, but I am afraid to commit because I fear failure and disappointing Him--which in turn fails and disappoints my mother who introduced and ensured that I receive religious training.  Let's call this a teetering Catholic's Guilt.

12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
        I can most certainly do this.  This blog is a place to carry on the message of compulsive overeating and the physical and emotional detriment it creates.  I will try to practice this principles daily, but there are many concerns and reservations from diving deep into OA. 

        I have troubles making meetings.  I have a lot of obligations to this family.  While it may be easy to say that I am most important and must make the time, it is not easy with 3 kids, full time job, and a husband who travels for many days at a time.  The meetings are varied to many locations that are a little further away from home and are in a place of worship (again a palpitating hesitance that I have).  There is one close to me at 7:30 p.m.  I want to make that meeting . . . someday. 

        In the meantime, I will keep reading, praying, planning, and putting steps into practice. 

Have you attended an Overeater's Anonymous meeting and what did you think?