Phase II, Day 8--going Primal

I have been having a really tough time with eating.  Not so much eating to excess because I have my moments, but generally, I am doing pretty good.  It is about eating the precise things.  Like when I was a vegetarian, I gave up meat for over two years.  No meat.  Nada.  Zilch!  But giving up grains as suggested in the Primal Blueprint diet, is a condition I am not prepared to do.  

I want to do the Primal Blueprint.  The concept is amazingly simple--no grains, eat proteins like meat and nuts, and fruits and veggies.  The struggle comes from undoing all the "conventional wisdom" of eating a mix of carbs, protein, and fats.  We learned about the food pyramid, and now there is a USDA food plate.  There are so many concepts in "what to eat" out there that I am getting confused about which would work best for me.

This morning, I worked out to Ripped in 30, and am at Level 2 for the second 30 day stretch.  I've exercised 38 days straight.  I feel great.  I feel so strong and capable of kicking rear.  I see the subtle changes to my body.  I love my strong legs and my arms are getting more tone.  The issue is my inability to figure out a consistent eating plan, which will give me more noticeable results.  When I sacrifice a food group, I start feeling deprived and bitter.  I like eating salads, but having too many of those in the last two months left me yearning for something more.  And that is where the "carb monster" creeps in.  

As a Latina, my culture loves white rice.  As a first generation American, I grew up on cereals and sandwiches too.  I can live without pasta and bread, but heck, I need rice with my meal and a cookie every once in a while.  I understand that the Primal Blueprint will eventually make me not crave that darn sugar, but I can't help but feel deprived without yet "depriving myself."

I had a good breakfast this morning--soy, blueberry yogurt with sesame seeds and a banana.  A simple Primal breakfast.  It would have been better had it not been soy, but what can you do?  Feeling full enough, but not stuffed, I plan on getting a salad with chicken for lunch.  I have grapes for snack.  Life is good.  But life gets in the way by the middle of the afternoon and when I start thinking about what to make for dinner for those in the house who do not go Primal.  

The kids asked for Tacos tonight.  I can make Primal Tacos for me.  It can be as simple as cutting the veggies and using whole romaine lettuce leaves for my soft shell.  I hide carrots and red peppers in the meat to make sure my kids get veggies.  But when I exclude the flour tortilla shell, I start to feel deprived.  Why do the kids get to eat the soft white fluffiness of the tortilla?  Why didn't I ever look like my 9-year-old who can eat anything and still have a gymnast body without the gymnastics?  Why is biology and genetics cruel?

My therapist (yes, I've been seeing a therapist for a couple of months now--she deals with food addiction) said I need to write in a journal--not a food list, but the feelings.  When I want food, what am I truly feeling?  She understands that it is another thing to add to my [life] plate, but I need to work through my issues with food.  Why am I resisting making better choices, which will bring me the "happiness" that I am seeking? Okay, "happiness" may not be the word . . . maybe, the word is satisfaction.  I want to be satisfied with myself--satisfied with my physical appearance.  

I guess what I should do is do a Primal Blueprint challenge--starting today, even though Halloween is Monday and Nana's birthday (with cake) is tomorrow.  I started the day off right with breakfast.  I just have to apply that for a week, then keep going to two and so on.  It works for my workouts, and I am sure it will work for eating.  

Have you ever done a no grains (carbs) diet?  How successful were you?  

Phase II, Day 1

My goal is to eat more of this than grains or sugar.

I did it!  I finished Phase I of my 30 days of Jillian Michaels' DVDs.  To recap: Phase I required alternating Ripped in 30 (RI30), 30 Day Shred (30DS), 6 Week 6 Pack (6W6P) everyday until I completed 30 days of consistent exercise.  I started with Ripped in 30, Level 1 using 3 lb hand weights.  The next day I used 30 Day Shred, Level 1 with 3 lb weights.  This went on for a week. I started with the modifiers for many of the moves because I wasn't very fit when I started.  I had been working out intermittently, but not by any stretch of the imagination was I fit.  Every 7 days, I went up a Level.  The fourth week, for Level 4, I alternated working out with RI30 (which has a Level 4) and 6W6P, Level 1 to really strengthen my core.  I've lost 10 lbs.

After each DVD workout, I would then supplement with 20-30 minutes of cardio on either my treadmill or spin bike.  Within the last week, I started jogging lightly on the treadmill to increase my endurance.  There were about 3 days within the 30 days that I had to miss the supplemental cardio because I either worked out too late in the evening than my usual 5 a.m. workout, or I hit snooze too many times at 4:45 a.m. and had only time to do the DVD and get the kids up for school.  Let's be clear about the actual time of the workouts.  The DVD cover and Jillian says each level is a 20 minute workout, but my DVD's analog time line and heart rate monitor clocked in over 30 minutes: often reaching 36 minutes of actual activity, from warm up to cool down.  I finished Phase I on Thursday, October 20.

This morning, I started Phase II of another 30 days of Jillian Michaels' DVDs.  Phase II had me starting again with RI30, Level 1.  The difference is that I increased my weights to 5 lbs, and did less modifications.  Well, whose kidding who, I did modify the pushups because I am not there . . . yet!  But I didn't modify the plank.  I won't be modifying the plyometric plank routines that Jillian loves to torture us with.  She admits it.  It is torture.  I then hopped on the treadmill for a 20 minute walk/run.  

In the opening of the the DVDs, Jillian talks about taking a rest day.  I want to put my thoughts out there on that one.  There are many people who do heavy manual labor daily: from ranch work (those animals don't feed, steer, or clean themselves) to housework.  We should be in constant movement daily.  I work a sedentary job that keeps me sitting 7 hours in my day.  On the days that my body wasn't initially up to the task of working out hard, I modified the routine.  I didn't jump so high.  I didn't squat so low, I didn't plank full body and went onto my knees.  I am not sore in places that Jillian makes us target.  I have that good sore where I know my muscles are getting stronger.  My knees don't hurt.  Besides from plantar fasciitis that I had prior to the routine, I am okay.  

This is how I feel:  I feel stronger.  I feel energetic.  I feel that I have more endurance.  My anxiety level has decreased.  I am working through many of the emotional issues that I've been dealing with for over 8 years.  I have goals and challenges that I finally want to accomplish.  I have an action plan and am unwaivering in it.  I am in a better place in every sense of the word than I was 30 days ago.  

Working out everyday has led to better habits.  I moved my parking ramp to one farther away.  Not only do I save money, but I have to walk up and down stairs and walk farther to and from work.  I am making better choices (with the exception of 3 days of binging while on my period).  

My eating goal for Phase II is encouraging better eating habits.  In Phase I, I tried to eat more fruits and veggies with lean meats and less carbs.  But I am an addict of sugar: breads, pastas, rice, and sweets.  I am trying to break that habit.  I started reviewing the Primal Blueprint lifestyle.  Many of the things I was doing for 30 days incorporated what I've been reading for the last two days.  Workout less strenously (and I think I am with Jillian's workouts) and eat more veggies, fruits and lean meats and no grains.  The tough part is my addiction to oatmeal for breakfast.  I have to work on making more non grain choices.  I have to plan the eating part of Phase II.  I have to prepare foods in advance.  This is work.  This is a commitment.  I didn't have that when I first started this blog.  I was focused on exercising to eat.  Now, I am focused on exercising and eating well so I can live a better life.  I am trying my damndest to make sure that if I get Alzheimers, like my mother, that I get it much later in life than she did.  I am not accepting that fate.  

My weight loss goal for Phase II is to lose 10 lbs, which will finally get me under 200 and closer to my goal of 150.  While I've seen a dramatic difference in my jeans, I want to get to my happy weight.  Eating well will make the difference.  With creating my own salad bar in my refrigerator, choosing lean meats, and good fats, and being consistent with applying all of it on a daily basis, I think it will make the difference.  

When you think about "happy weight" what does that look like for you?

Workout Zone-Day 19, Phase I; 11 to go.

From October 9, 2011

I've been working out for 19 days straight.  I've been doing 30 Day Shred or Ripped In 30 on alternate days. I use my spin bike or my treadmill depending on the day.  This is my "dungeon".  It is the utility room in my new home.  It is all concrete, exposed pipes, beams, and electrical and cable wires.  Behind my workout zone is the furnace and the hot water heater.  Both alternate to keep a constant hum while trying to listen to Jillian's directions.

From October 9, 2011

I've been enjoying the challenge of 30 Day routines.  I've planned a three Phase routine.  I am presently in Phase I, which is 30 days of RI30 or 30DS.  Right now, I am in Level 3.  I just bought 6 Week, 6 Pack to ad for Level 4 of RI30.  Phase I requires me to use 3 lb weights.  I've also been doing a lot of modifications due to plantar fasciitis.  My right foot is killing me.  I don't think it is just the exercise.  It is the heaviness in my body.  I shouldn't be in  so much pain and discomfort at 37-years-old.  Advil is my friend.

From October 9, 2011

Hubby created a TV zone with left over TVs.  These used to be the children's nursery TVs when they were nursing, I would use them to watch TV in the middle of the night.  TVs came out in preschool.  Now, they are my morning news TV while on the machines.  The other is my DVD TV for all those DVDs you see beside it. I'm very happy that he did this for me.  It would have been his man cave, but I appreciate that he did this for me.

From October 9, 2011

Here are my DVDs.  I don't love them all.  I would say that the top four are my go to videos for right now.  Phase II and III will still require me to use Jillian's videos.  I've been trying to incorporate Yoga, but there aren't enough hours in the day or enough energy coursing through my body to give me the physical motivation to get a second workout done in my day.  I usually work out at 5 a.m., unless it is the weekend and will do it much later.

Eating:  Not so great lately.  I am stressed and overwhelmed.  I am still trying to reduce the white carbs, but I eat what I have available.  I've been making a lot of salads with a variety of raw veggies: cabbage, beets, broccoli, carrots, and lettuces.  Wishing I could do better with lean meats, but I will work harder.

Weight Loss:  I've lost almost 10 lbs.  However, my poor eating these last few days has me gaining 3 lbs and I feel a tad bloated with my cycle coming soon.  I am trying to get to 199 lbs.  I am tired of being over 200.  I feel like I can't get out of this number.  I am hopeful that I will get to 199 by the end of Phase I; in 11 days.

Today, I watched a marathon of MTV's "I Used To Be Fat."  Teenagers losing weight the summer before college.  It has taken me back to my teenage years.  My mom was so unsupportive of weight loss.  She was very controlling over my safety and refused to let me exercise outside of the house or join a team.  Many of the parents on the show were similarly unsupportive.  Having my mother living with me has me feeling like I am 16 again.  It is not her fault.  I am an adult that makes choices, but sometimes your sixteen-year-old self makes a long term appearance.  

Where do you work out?  What is your ideal workout zone?

Transitions . . .

From 2011-08-27    I needed a blogging break.  A break from letting the world know that I felt like a complete failure. The list of failures are vast and are forever expansive. We bought a house within 28 days.  We took two days to move our family of 5 from our 3-year-rental to our new-to-us home.  A week later, I flew to Boston by my lonesome and moved my mother to our home.  When I arrived, I was shattered by this woman's appearance.  You see, that is not the mother I remember.  She had lost a tremendous amount of weight . . . probably about 15-20 lbs.  At her appointment in August, a month and a half after moving here, she weighed in at 127 lbs.  She said she was about 127 after giving birth to me over 35-years-ago.  She had consistently weighed about 140-160 at her heaviest.  Most drastic was the fact that she walked slower than my toddler.  Her feet hurt.  Her body was weaker.  I saw another person that wasn't my mother.  She had forgotten that I was moving her.  While she didn't refuse to move, she was confused.  I cried for two days.

Her apartment was filthy.  I figured it was all the boxes that were packed.  Those two days were filled with packing and assessing her things.  After talking with my uncle, I came to the conclusion that all that "stuff" was not worth the move.  My husband wouldn't be able to drop everything to fly back to Boston to pack up a small truck to drive 2 days to Madison.  It wasn't worth it.  She was the only thing of value.  She agreed, but would later forget our agreement.  We stayed at a hotel the night before our trip to my home because I needed a good night's sleep and the shuttle drove us to the airport at 4 a.m.

Living with a 6th person has been a difficult adjustment. She is now my 75-year-old, 4th child.  My entire life, I've been translating, interpreting, counseling, advising my mother because I speak both Spanish and English fluently.  I left home at 18 to have a break from being a parentified kid.  Now, I am her parent again.  I am parenting my parent.  I have to repeat things constantly . . . every two minutes, like the contractions of a woman in labor.  For two months she packed, and unpacked.  Talked about going back to Boston.  Asking if she paid rent.  She'd ask if she could go to the bank to get money to give to me.  She'd ask for house keys.  She'd want to go back to Boston to see her sisters.  She would have these very vivid delusions of events and people that just didn't exist.  She'd tell me that she hadn't spoken to my godmother for days when I know she spoke to her the day before.  Old stories were told for the 258th time.  One little act would signal a memory from very long ago.  Puerto Rico is how she referenced Madison; she is constantly reminded of Puerto Rico [I can say from experience that Madison, especially in winter, is not like Puerto Rico].  And she forgot who I was . . . on a couple of occasions.

A few weeks ago, we finally had an opportunity to go to the Memory Clinic.  After a 2.5 hour testing, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  Thanks, memory Gods for that one.  This was not the way I'd envisioned her life to end.  No one asks to work for over 40 years, raise a daughter by herself, retire, and suffer from severe memory loss at the end of her long life.  She cannot enjoy the things she may have planned on enjoying.  While she doesn't feel pain, I feel it.  I feel a grief  . . the loss of a parent.  I feel an orphan.  When she sits with a blank stare at me and the children, I grieve.

I am not the most patient of caretakers.  I snap too quickly.  We've always had a back and forth, sarcastic and condescending responses to one another--my husband picked up on that one day.  I get frustrated with the questions.  I ask her to sit down or go to her room way too often when I can't cope with her questions or actions.  It is sad.  She deserves better.  She needs better.  Our chaotic home is not conducive to her needs for tranquility.  While I do provide her with a home, room, furniture, bath, food, doctor's appointments, etc., I am feeling overwhelmed and ill equipped to deal with her needs, 3 children, a husband, and a full time job.

On the personal health and weight loss front, Alzheimer's has given me better habits.  The doctor told me that this is hereditary and is passed on the mother's side.  Without saying it, he told me that I need to prepare myself and my children for this disease to strike me.  I don't want to binge.  I don't want to overeat.  I want to take care of me.  I've reduced my carbs to the morning.  I eat salad and protein for lunch and dinner (soup occassionally with my salad).  I don't overeat anymore.  I don't take seconds.  I actually don't want it.  I am grieving still.  I am sad.  And while sadness usually was the fuel for my desire to eat, it isn't anymore.

I tried out for Madison's Biggest Loser (MBL) competition between 5 local gyms.  On a Tuesday, at 5 a.m., I went to the gym and worked out with 28 other contestants.  We ran 1/2 a mile down and up a hill.  We did stair runs, bear crawls, and plyometrics.  While I can easily say that I was one of the fittest woman, I was bummed that I wasn't selected to join the program for free.  I know that there were others who needed it much more.  However, I felt that I needed it for my mental health.  Despite the rejection, I made a plan.  I would continue the low carb diet (which means no carbs after lunch) and would start my own boot camp training program at home.

Last week, I devised a new training plan for our Christmas vacation; either California or Florida.  Last week, I started working out daily and will be working out in 30 day phases.  I've been exercising daily for the last 6 days in Phase I.  Phase I of my program is to alternate Level 1 of Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 and 30 Day Shred.  It breaks up the monotony of the routines when I alternate the videos.  I have been using 3 lb weights and have been doing a lot of modifications for jumping because I injured my right heel during the pre-screening training when competing for spot on MBL.  I have plantar fasciitis, which I believe is from the excess weight and the plyometrics that I like to do that doesn't agree with my excess weight.

I supplement that routine with a cardio workout afterwards.  I have a treadmill and I have a spin bike, which I alternate per day along with the video.  For example, today, I did 30DS with 3 lb weights, followed by 20 minute walk treadmill.  I plan to incorporate 3 days of Yoga because I need to stretch the lower body muscles, especially downward dog for my heel and hamstrings.  I bought Yogalosophy by Mandy Ingber and will try out the 35 min routine tonight.  I used Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga a few days ago after my Jillian DVD and Treadmill routine.  It really helps to loosen tight muscles for the next day.  I am doing one level per 7 days.  On Wednesday, I will go to Level 2 in each DVD; and will change levels every 7 days.  However, at the end of 30 days, I will go to Phase II.

I will have two more phases. These two phases will be an increase in weights and reducing the modifications.  They will still be Ripped in 30 and 30 Day Shred because I like the convenience of the quick, compound movements and done in 20 minutes.  Starting back at Level 1 in the DVDs, Phase II will be 5 lb weights and lesser modifications for 30 days with supplemental cardio and Yoga.  I will start over with Level 1 again with Phase III, which will be 8 lb weights and no modifications for 30 days with supplemental cardio and Yoga.  I anticipate that I can do this barring any injuries or illnesses.  I know for a fact that for the next 90 days, I don't have any vacations or business trips, so there will be no interruptions to my routine.

There may be a lot of criticism about repetitive strength motions and plyometrics with Jillian's DVDs, however, I figure that there are a lot of injuries when the moves are done incorrectly.  I feel a bit sore today in my bum.  However, I have a sedentary job reading and editing papers and petitions, so My butt is literally sore from sitting.  I stretch and move around often. I feel stronger.  I have more energy to walk up the flights of stairs to my car in the parking ramp.  Weeks ago, I didn't have the endurance.  I am literally sprinting up the stairs with a large purse and lunch bag.  This workout is making my body better, not worse.

Most importantly, I am mentally in a better place now that I have a set workout and eating plan.  It isn't so hard anymore.  Before, my issues clouded the simplicity of my plans: eat less, move more, feel better.  My issues have taken a back seat to Nana's issues and that of my trying to delay any personal onset of memory loss for as long as I can.

While I will be back to update as often as life allows, I hope you will support me even if I take days or weeks to write.  It isn't that updating readers lacks priority, it's just that I am trying to make it all work out to the best of my ability.

How do you prioritize life's rewards and challenges and maintain a healthy and fit lifestyle?

Hot Yoga

A new Hot Yoga studio is opening up in my town.  Hot Yoga benefits are:

• allows muscles to become more flexible.
• allows you to go deeper into a pose.
• helps to diminish the risk of injuries.
• promotes sweating which helps you release toxins.
• promotes weight loss.

I am so excited to start attending that I started back on Yoga on Wednesday of this week.  I did my Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga DVD that I love so much.  Now, I am sure it is easier than Hot Yoga, which is in a room that is over 100 degrees fahrenheit, but it is great to get my body back to the poses.I missed a workout on Thursday, but I got up at 5:25 a.m. today and did Shiva Rea's Daily Energy.  I chose a warm up, Earth, and Savasana (dead man's pose).  I also have Bob Harper's Yoga for the Warrior DVD that comes in sessions of 15 minutes and one hour.

Shiva's DVD is great because you get to select the sequences that you want to do and combine them or do 20 minutes at a time.  I choose Earth because it is a series of asanas (poses) that are for both arms and lower body.  You do a lot of planks and 90 degree bends of your legs.  A love downward dog, so it allows me to do that, which stretches my legs and works my arms.  I'll do anything to get Michelle Obama arms.  I love her lean arms. 

I am very disappointed by how much flexibility I've lost since stopping Yoga.  I can barely do downward dog.  My knees are more bent.  It is harder to hold the pose because my upper body is no longer as strong.  It was quite humbling.  But I press on. 


Do you do Yoga?  If so what do you like about it?  If not, what keeps you away from the practice?

As Big As A House . . .

Recently, my boy has verbally lashed out at me and hurt my feelings whenever he is angry or denied something he wants. His autism doesn't allow him to filter his words, so he lays it out there. He has told me recently that I am "as big as a house." That hurt. Bad.

Ever since his stinging statement, I made changes to my eating; with a vengeance. I made salads with chicken and my own vinaigrette. I packed cut veggies and fruit with a protein, such as a hard boiled egg. My snacks are healthier. I've been drinking water. And I hadn't binged during those days. He was right in one respect, I am as big because I had gained weight from hovering at 205 to 210. I was uncomfortable. On Thursday morning of this week, I weighed in at 204; just 3 days of eating well got me down to 204. Yes, a lot of water weight, but I'll take it. That was all done without exercising this week.

On Wednesday night, I was craving something sweet. I was contemplating baking some WW cookies, but eat the whole batch by myself. I went out to pick up my prescriptions at the Walgreens, and I started looking in the snack aisle for sweets. Cookies. Reading labels. Went to the dairy section to see if they had a dairy free ice cream with chocolate. Nothing. I thought I'd buy a pack of gum. Walked to the gum section by the register. And I realized that I am a sugar addict. My body has unreasonably become addicted to sugar. I was having withdrawals and shakes from not having processed sweets. I walked out of Walgreens with no sweets. No gum. No candy bar. No cookies. I truly felt that I was finally on my way to making changes. I credit my 7-year-old, mildly autistic boy for telling me the "truth." A truth I didn't want to face. A truth I was not told by my friends. A truth I was not told by my husband.

Hubby and I took an overnight away from the kids to go to a golf scramble.  It was fun and exciting and I hope to get back into the sport.  However, I need new clubs; it has been 13 years since I bought mine. However, what was not great was the box of fudge left in the hotel room for us.  I ate two pieces.  Ugghh.  But I figured I'd make it up by eating a nice salad for dinner the night we arrived to our retreat.  Not so.  It was all finger foods at the reception.  The next day I tried to eat a good salad, but nothing appealed to me.  I have very particular tastes about the kinds of veggies included in the salad.  And a lot of things are either Caesar or Cobb salad with a ton of extras and dairy that I can't or don't want to have.  For dinner last night at the next reception was all stadium food--burgers, brats and hotdogs with cookies.  Cookies, my weakness.  I ate 4.  Yes, there you have it.

But today, we are home.  We are going to the Italian fest in our area.  I will try to make the best selection possible.  I will still pack food.  I will make better choices at home.  It is a job.  It is an effort that has to be made every single time I have to choose.

I will most likely be offline during this month.  We made an offer on an actual house (instead of being compared to one).  We close at the end of the month and will move out of our rental.  I will be busy packing and purging and donating.  I am excited and nervous about this new chapter of our lives.  I am hoping that the home purchase and "rooting" will give me the peace that I've been seeking over these last couple of years and reduce my emotional eating.

What is your reaction to hurtful words? 

Ruthless . . .

There is a movie called Ruthless People with Bette Midler. I loved that movie when I first saw it in the 80s. I love Bette Midler. One memorable scenes is when she is being held captive in a basement for ransom. Because she has all the time in her hands, Bette's character decides to workout and eat better. Ultimately, she loses weight and says something to the effect that she has spent a fortune on fat loss spas and products, but being held in a basement for ransom helped her lose the weight.

I will be going away for a few days for professional development. My secondary goal is to be free from the little stressors of home. I hope to exercise and eat right during my three day.  I call it a "family sabbatical".  I already do well with exercise, but I don't do well with the intake of food.  

I've downloaded enough food addiction podcasts to last me the weekend. I listened to one this morning while on the treadmill at 5 a.m. It was 5 minutes, but the most enlightening 5 minutes of my time on this blog. I'm always searching for answers as to why I overeat. I have relayed many of them here, but the ultimate reason is "GUILT". Yes, guilt.

I binged yesterday because I felt guilt over leaving my children for 3 days while I gain some more knowledge on how to do my paying job effectively. Guilt for not doing enough in my paying job. Guilt for not keeping the house up to snuff as a former stay-at-home mother. Guilt for leaving the 3 kids to work a full time, paying job so I can support them financially.  Guilt for not calling my mother enough when she is losing her memory. Guilt for being angry with my mother for losing her memory (blaming her) and doing nothing about becoming more socially active and an active participant in her own well being. Guilt for being angry with a husband who works too much (in order to take care of our family). Guilt for overeating. Guilt for not working out enough. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt . . . GUILT!

It is debilitating to write that word so many times, so you can imagine "feeling" that word every hour of my day. I am trying to compartmentalize the guilt and resolve those feelings so I can move past them. I can't resolve all the world's problems in my paying job. I can't be the perfect mother for my 3 kids. I can't be the perfect wife. I can't keep a perfect house. I can't be the perfect daughter.  Guilt also leads me to fears.  I will write about "fears" in the future.

What can I do? I can try my hardest, everyday, to accomplish small tasks that can get me near-perfect; like taking care of myself first so that I may take care of others. This trip will allow me to step back a bit and rejuvinate, so I may come back and be more giving. I am flying to Memphis in the morning and hope to meet a lot of people in my profession. I hope to socialize with many folks at the conference.  I want to exercise everyday and walk outdoors.  I want to enjoy being in a city that I've never been in.  All the while, I will be praying for the flood victims and for receding waters.  

What's eating you (guilt, fear, etc)?