Saturday, June 4, 2011
As Big As A House . . .
Recently, my boy has verbally lashed out at me and hurt my feelings whenever he is angry or denied something he wants. His autism doesn't allow him to filter his words, so he lays it out there. He has told me recently that I am "as big as a house." That hurt. Bad.
Ever since his stinging statement, I made changes to my eating; with a vengeance. I made salads with chicken and my own vinaigrette. I packed cut veggies and fruit with a protein, such as a hard boiled egg. My snacks are healthier. I've been drinking water. And I hadn't binged during those days. He was right in one respect, I am as big because I had gained weight from hovering at 205 to 210. I was uncomfortable. On Thursday morning of this week, I weighed in at 204; just 3 days of eating well got me down to 204. Yes, a lot of water weight, but I'll take it. That was all done without exercising this week.
On Wednesday night, I was craving something sweet. I was contemplating baking some WW cookies, but eat the whole batch by myself. I went out to pick up my prescriptions at the Walgreens, and I started looking in the snack aisle for sweets. Cookies. Reading labels. Went to the dairy section to see if they had a dairy free ice cream with chocolate. Nothing. I thought I'd buy a pack of gum. Walked to the gum section by the register. And I realized that I am a sugar addict. My body has unreasonably become addicted to sugar. I was having withdrawals and shakes from not having processed sweets. I walked out of Walgreens with no sweets. No gum. No candy bar. No cookies. I truly felt that I was finally on my way to making changes. I credit my 7-year-old, mildly autistic boy for telling me the "truth." A truth I didn't want to face. A truth I was not told by my friends. A truth I was not told by my husband.
Hubby and I took an overnight away from the kids to go to a golf scramble. It was fun and exciting and I hope to get back into the sport. However, I need new clubs; it has been 13 years since I bought mine. However, what was not great was the box of fudge left in the hotel room for us. I ate two pieces. Ugghh. But I figured I'd make it up by eating a nice salad for dinner the night we arrived to our retreat. Not so. It was all finger foods at the reception. The next day I tried to eat a good salad, but nothing appealed to me. I have very particular tastes about the kinds of veggies included in the salad. And a lot of things are either Caesar or Cobb salad with a ton of extras and dairy that I can't or don't want to have. For dinner last night at the next reception was all stadium food--burgers, brats and hotdogs with cookies. Cookies, my weakness. I ate 4. Yes, there you have it.
But today, we are home. We are going to the Italian fest in our area. I will try to make the best selection possible. I will still pack food. I will make better choices at home. It is a job. It is an effort that has to be made every single time I have to choose.
I will most likely be offline during this month. We made an offer on an actual house (instead of being compared to one). We close at the end of the month and will move out of our rental. I will be busy packing and purging and donating. I am excited and nervous about this new chapter of our lives. I am hoping that the home purchase and "rooting" will give me the peace that I've been seeking over these last couple of years and reduce my emotional eating.
What is your reaction to hurtful words?