Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Burst bubble . . .


I got a bit of distressing news yesterday.  My eight-year-old, whom I call Amazon (she is tall and slender, which I've never been) had an audiological appointment yesterday.  We discovered when she was five and entering kindergarten that she had profound loss in one ear.  I was shocked and out of sorts during that time (that time was a really bad time for me emotionally to begin with).  But once we got the news and were told how to cope, we moved on and have lived a normal life.  Then I got an email from the school's audiologist needing a new report.  So I made an appointment and was able to be seen the next day, which was yesterday.

The audiologist did a double testing, which means she had a second audiologist do a new series of tests to confirm her suspicion.  The suspicion is that my child is losing her hearing in her "good ear".  What?  

So we scheduled an appointment for another double audiology in two weeks.  Then Amazon will see the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor to discuss "options" of services.  The word "options" sent me in a tizzy of fret and sorrow.  I was internally beside myself.

You see, I put up this huge outward, take-charge, make a plan facade.  Internally, I am freaking out.  I don't ever want my daughter to see me out of control with fear.  She needs more.  She needs to know that her hearing loss is like having vision problems; instead of glasses, she "may" need a hearing aide.  But the may-need-what is the concern because in scheduling the appointment they didn't know which type of ENT we should meet with.  That could also mean surgery.  And at worst, a cochlea implant--I say at worst because of cost, expense of maintenance and change of "normal" lifestyle to accomodate.  

We had tried to keep her as normal as possible.  What I mean is that my husband has lived his whole life with hearing loss in one ear, and he is okay.  So I assumed she would be too.  Her godmother has lived with hearing loss her whole life, and she is okay.  So I assumed Amazon would be too.  I feel like I neglected her.  I somehow lost sight that she has needs.  

Amazon told me that she had been having trouble for a while, and I asked why she didn't tell me?  She answered, I didn't want you to worry.  Worry?  I responded, "my being worried is not your responsibility.  My responsibility is to make sure you are healthy and safe, and I will do anything to make sure that happens."  I reminded her of my actions when she flew over the handle bars this summer and split her lip open; how I took charge.  During our drive to the ER, she asked me if I was going to cry.  I suspect she wanted to see some emotion.  But I told her that my job is to keep calm and composed so I can make sure she gets what she needed from the hospital.  But that night, I binged.  That was my inner lack of control coming out.

Last night we watched The Biggest Loser episode where they were being trained by Marines.  She saw one of the contestants pass out from asthma (which I have) and her severe obesity.  Amazon started talking about weight and how is it that I can run races, get up in the morning to exercise and do yoga, but haven't lost weight.  It took her a while to get to the jist of her question.  I responded that weight loss depends on the person.  Not getting the answer she wanted, she started talking about how fat she is; which is not a topic I allow as discussion.  I said, "you are not fat.  You are not fat. You are NOT fat. No one in this house is fat."

But there is.  I am.  And my lack of self control is the cause of that fat.  I can run races.  I can spin for an hour.  I can do downward dog for hours.  But I will always be fat because when I heard that my child is losing the rest of her good hearing, that Halloween candy had no chance of staying in their bucket, those 4 cookies were eaten before dinner, and that spaghetti and meatballs with extra helping had no chance of becoming lunch for today.  

Somehow, I need to make sure that exterior composure sees it's way into my inner feelings and know that everything will be all right . . . and no amount of food will make me feel better. 


  1. Oh, Rosa. I'm so, so sorry. I wish I had sage words of wisdom and comfort. :( Wrapping you BOTH up in big, huge hugs. xoxo

  2. Rosa, I too am sorry. Wish I wish I had words to comfort you. I feel your anguish in this post. Giving you a big hug and I'll say a prayer for Amazon and for you...

    Diosito es bueno. He'll see you through.


  3. You have such a gift with words....

    I'm sorry about your worry with Amazon. If it makes 'any' difference, my good friend (adult) just received cochlear implants, and is doing incredibly well. (very little recovery time from surgery) And, as a teacher, I've taught several children with implants and hearing aides. I'm always astounded at the strength and adaptability our wee ones have. they are truely remarkable. I'm sure Amazon is as strong as her nickname. Wishing you comfort and hope that things look up for you. Thank you for writing about these things - the way you write about your relationship with food hits close to home.

  4. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I totally get where your coming from though,I do the same as you trying to keep calm and such for my son and then I binge later. I will send prayers your way, hope for the best for your daughter, whatever route that may be.

  5. Oh Rosa, I am so sorry. This must be so scary. You are doing everything right for you daughter. You didn't do anything wrong; this happened, not your fault.
    Hang in there....take care of yourself. It is so normal to numb the pain w/ food, I do it all the time. It sucks, but it is normal.
    My thoughts are with you.

  6. Oh stress....and scary stress about one of your babies.

    I'm so sorry. She's going to do great. I can tell she is a really special girl with a beautiful, sweet heart!!

    It is painful to feel all of the feelings.
    I have been stuffing my feelings for a long time.

    When I am dieting and not stuffing my feelings, I sure cry a whole lot more. I feel raw and sad and depressed. It is hard....
    but I want to share with can get thru those bad feelings.
    Allow yourself to cry and feel crappy.
    You can get thru it. It will not kill you.

  7. thinking of you, Rosa. none of this can be easy. try to hang in.

  8. Beautiful post, Rosa. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you and your husband. This makes even me want to eat. Always praying + hoping for the best.



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