Not counting my eggs . . .

Thank you so much for all of your support.  I am truly humbled by your comments.  And even those of you lurkers, I am sure you understand and feel for my issues.  I am going to just enjoy everyday until I actually know what is going on.  That means I have to wait until she gets a new test and we speak to the ENT.  You will be alerted to what happens. 

The reason I blog about such a highly sensitive and personal matter is to get those pent up thoughts and concerns out into the Universe so I don't have to worry about discussing them with hubby (who will take blame or feel blamed or nagged), my mother (who will worry and cry), or friends (who have their own issues with their families).  It is a way of cleansing myself from all these thoughts that drive me to hurt myself.  Overeating/binging is "hurting" myself. 

The concept of eating a few cookies, then Halloween candy, then a full dinner with extra helpings is personally, extremely hard to label as "binging".  We have this concept of a woman hiding in her room with three or more different packages of cookies and cakes, eating it all, then vomiting it all in an effort to stop the absorption of calories and fat to prevent weight gain.  As defined, to "binge" is to engage in excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink; and excess is the state of going past what is normal or sufficient.  I didn't need to eat that much for my health.  I ate that much because I was in pain, further causing pain . . . then guilt.  And the end result is weight gain, which is the opposite of what I am trying to do in my life and present in this blog. 

I am not doing myself a service by eating an extra serving or snack in excess between meals just because I am emotional.  I know why I overeat.  I know that I am hurting myself.  I  am not overweight because of my metabolism, big bones, or Latina genes.  I overeat.  I exercise, but I eat in excess of what I burn off.  And that is not a great thing. That is a disorder.

I've been reading and seeing so much about eating disorders on the E! Network, Style Network and on Oprah that I've been looking into therapy.  Yep--therapy.  While I am still trying to control myself [presently chewing gum like a cow to control my boredom and anxiety], I know that I need to speak to a professional about my issues.  I've been looking into someone who specializes in eating disorders like overeating.  While I hate to label myself without proper diagnosis, I can't help but state the fact that I feel it is wrong to eat the volume I do when I am physically not hungry.  And the relief that I get (temporarily) is still not filling the void that drove me to eat.  I have no self control to redirect myself to do something else when I am feeling the emotions that drive me to eat.

I am not saying with absolute certainty that I will find and start attending therapy, I will not close myself off to the possibility that I can learn to handle myself more appropriately and turn to something else rather than food.  However, I am aware that I am not the same gal that lost over 75 pounds in her early 20s.  I have new concerns and challenges as a wife, mother, and employee.  I am nearing 40.  I am just not that gal.  I am not that mentally resilient when it comes to taking care of me because I have so many others to worry about: hubby, mom, 3 kids, and my students at work.

I've still been attending WW.  I have presently lost 2.2 lbs in the three weeks since joining.  While it is a small loss, I am pleased that I've been able to lose while still having my momentary lapse in judgment by binging.  I stay for the meetings and I actively participate in the discussion--always, it is in my nature to share and teach.  I have been exercising moderately.  I hope to get back on a regular schedule of exercise.  The one thing I've come to realize are that when I stop exercising consistently I am in pain for the first few times when I get back to exercise.  My hips hurt.  My knee hurts.  I am feeling it--hard.

I've been taking it slow: walking on the treadmill or cycling on my spin bike for more than 45 minutes each time.  I've been using small weights or contracting my muscles to workout my upper body while on those machines.  I've made a plan to start Yoga again.  I have no idea why I ever stopped.  It brought me such comfort and peace of mind.  I was physically stronger and flexible then.  But I am having a bit of a panic attack about doing it again.  I have to figure out what that is about.  Consciously, I believe I am afraid of not being good enough when I seek perfection in all that I do; a weird concept, I know. 

If you exercise, what is the one exercise that you enjoy and why?