Reality

From Picture Bye, bye my favorite meal!  I gotta work on this weight loss.

Sorry for my long absence and very quick post without much fanfare.  I've been struggling.  We all struggle.  It is a very rough time for many.  I am struggling with the weight, my thoughts of myself, my thoughts on all that is happening here in Madison, problems with the economy and a lot of personal financial struggles.  At the end of the day, I am left with thoughts questioning what is all this for?  What are we working for?  Why am I so desperate to lose weight for?  What the heck?

I suffer from panic attacks.  The last time I had a major attack was after I had my son.  The reason for the panic attack--no money!  And now almost 7 years later the major attack came on last week.  Why?  Money.  The fact is we will also be losing more money because of the new legislation that has been pushed forward here in Madison.  And we were already struggling and sacrificing.

Subsequently, eating has been horrible.  Physically, I've been more tired and in pain.  My arms get numb in the mornings, and I know that has a ton to do with the sugar I am consuming.  This week I had to start to document my eating.  There were a couple of bumpy days of not being truthful.  On Wednesday, I got my act together and started plugging my eating into MyFitnessPal.com.  I downloaded an app for my itouch and have been plugging away.  Yesterday, I had a deficit, and I even got to eat an ounce of cookie--btw, that cookie comes in the size of a saucer and is 14 pts.  I want to learn not to deprive, but also not to indulge.  I don't have the mindset of fitness leaders and stars whom say that rice, pasta, and processed food are killing me.  I know they are, but I think everything in life is moderation--even exercise.

Exercise:  a touchy subject lately.  I haven't been doing any.  I've relaxed a significant amount.  The thought of waking up at 4:50 a.m. to exercise is paralyzing.  However, I want to get back to running.  I enjoy running and cycling.  I have these Kettlebells that are staring at me whenever I go into the playroom/workout room.  Today, I plan to cycle in the afternoon when my daughter goes to nap.  The older two leave me alone and watch TV or play, so I get a bit of a break.

I do think I am in a bit of a depression.  Everything looks gloomy.  Everyone I work with (in a State job) is in a funk.  My coworker has regained the 10 lbs that she credits me for motivating her to lose.  Negativity begets negativity.  She and I gave ourselves a date to get back to business.  Today is my day.  Last night was hers.

I got a reminder today from Jack $h*+ when he reposted my entry for W.I.D.T.H--Why I Do This Here.  I wrote that I wanted the inner athlete to reflect on the outside.  Send him a picture and in the picture, write on a notecard or photoshop into it why you are on this journey.  What are you hoping to accomplish? My photo was true at the time.  It is still true, but today I truly want to just wear a really hot wrap dress. 

How are you doing on your healthy eating and fitness journey?