Addicted to Food . . .



From 2010-11-17

I've been watching the new reality-therapy show on OWN channel called Addicted To Food.  The main therapist is Tennie McCarty who is a food addiction therapist that also has been on Ruby. 

I know that I am addicted to food to help cope with the "overwhelming burdens" of my day to day life.  Now, when I write these things out, I am able to recognize that it is ridiculous.  In the grand scheme of it all, I have a great life.

1.  I have a great husband who adores me and works extremely hard to support me and our children.
2.  I have amazing children who are smart, funny, cute, and need me to be my best.
3.  I have a mother who has sacrificed my entire life to provide for me and even wants to give her all to my children.
4.  I have a beautiful home to live in that is spacious and warm in the Winter and cool in the Summer. 
5.  We have jobs that provides the necessities: house, food, health care, internet (kidding), a vehicle, and quality childcare.
6.  Good health in all of us despite hearing loss, autism, and my obesity.  We are healthy and we are okay.

What is wrong with my life?  I can't stop eating my feelings.  I can't stop myself from eating when I am not physically hungry.  I am emotionally hungry.  I want more from my mother.  I want more from my father.  I want more from my husband.  I want more from my step-mother-in-law.  I want more from my mother-in-law.  I want more for my children.  I want more from my job.  All of these things (and a few other things), are "excuses" for me to eat; to binge . . . to hurt myself. 

Today, I dealt with another family issue that is not my issue.  It is not my responsibility to take control and solve it, but I did.  Then I left work, went to the coffee shop and bought a sugary latte with 2 cookies the size of saucers and I ate it.  I ate two cookies that I didn't need.  It was disgusting.  It was awful.  I did it.  I had guilt.  Now, I have anger--at myself.  I am hurting myself because I felt the hurt of another person.  Somewhere down the line, I must learn that I cannot abuse myself because I can't fix something for someone else.  Food cannot take the place of dealing with the accomplishments and obstacles in my life.

I can't sit back and not move my body when I abuse it so.  And despite knowing all that I described above, I am doing absolutely nothing to fix it when I keep going through the cycle of self abuse, action plan, dumping action plan, and back to self abuse. 

Yet again, I am going back to action plan.  It is what I have.  I am not a true quitter.  I don't think any of us are true quitters.   We go back and forth with our weight loss plans, but we never just completely drop it and live this overweight life.  We try "something", anything, to get us to accomplish the goal of weight loss; any loss is a victory.  This is hard.  This cannot be easy when you are confronted with the need for a drug.

"Hello.  My name is Rosa and I am addicted.  I am addicted to food."  Food is my drug.  I can't quit cold turkey.  Without it, I will die.  But with too much of it, I will die.

And somehow, I must find the balance to coexist with my drug and my biological duty to feed this body.  

What is your relationship with food?  How do you cope with feelings and food?