Thursday, December 29, 2011
While waiting on one of the longest lines in the greatest place on earth, my daughter started patting my upper arm. She said, "this is fun!" And she laughed maniacally, as my upper arms jiggled under her slaps.
She pushed my button. She got me at the core of my weakness; the part of me that makes me feel so uncomfortable and unconfident. She jiggled my bat wing. And even as I flexed, she still found places where my body was riddled with loose, fatty skin. I was mortified. I was humiliated. I was so hurt beyond belief that when we got back to the hotel, I grabbed hubby's lap top and I researched non surgical plastic surgery options. It appeared promising, but there may not be a complete and perfect solution.
I guess what I am really trying to say is that I am frustrated that I've allowed myself to get back to this point. I had been here before. I lost the weight after much hard work. I vowed not to get fat again. And I got fat again. Now, I have a daughter that I want to model great attitudes and behaviors, and I feel like I failed her. But mostly, I feel like I failed myself. I am angry and frustrated. Very. Frustrated.
This morning, even after not sleeping all night and having a bout with diarrhea, I did a series of dips and push ups. I can't help feeling that even if this body loses the weight, my weak parts will never snap back to where they should be . . . where I want them to be . . . need to be.
So tomorrow morning, I will exercise at the hotel gym. I will work toward my goal in the New Year. Even if I don't snap back skin wise, I will be significantly better off with less body fat and better eating habits. Ultimately, I hope that my new lifestyle does a good job at role modeling for my daughter.
What is your weak spot?