Thursday, October 17, 2013

Trying to get back.

It has been over a year since I last blogged. Almost two years. There are many excuses. Many. Many. Excuses.

Recap of my time away.

I put my mother in a nursing home. She had too many "elopements", which is a fancy word for walking out and away from home while I worked. Police were called to find her many times. She would wake up in the middle of the night, like an infant around the clock, to eat, to leave, to go to "work", to visit her brother. She would set off the home alarm and disturb all of us: my husband and I having to go to work and the kids to school. The hardest thing is to talk to your parent as if they were a child. It hasn't been any easier now that she is in the nursing home. I still get calls: [Nana] has soiled herself and refuses to change"; "Nana is trying to leave and we have to call the police"; "Nana hit an aide". I also have to take her and attend all medical appointments because I am her PoA--Power of Attorney. It is overwhelming still. But it is my job, and one I do to the fullest of my ability.

I quit my job. I decided in Oct of 2012 that I could no longer work. I was emotionally and physically done. Something had to give. I couldn't quit my marriage, kids, or my mother. But, I could quit my job. And I did. My last day was in May of 2013. I've been home ever since. I spent the Summer with all three kids. I hadn't done that in a while. So while I can' say that I've had a break (I still get calls on my cell from old clients--they don't get it), I am a lot more mentally rested than before.

I went on and off anxiety medication. I didn't go off because I was opposed or better. I shouldn't have gone off cold turkey. My excuse is crazy--I couldn't keep myself on schedule and attend visits with the Psych Dr. I stopped my therapy too. It was helpful, but a long break in her finding time to schedule me around the time that I have available didn't work out.

I only have three free hours in my day on four days a week. And do you know what I do? I go to the gym. I joined a local gym three weeks ago. I have been going 5 days a week; one day taking my youngest to childcare while the older two are in school full day. I've been working on strength training. I need to work on a lot of things, but building muscle is the most important part of my plan. I also joined a hot yoga studio that is in the same plaza as the gym. Yesterday, I went to the gym and did a 45 min walk on the treadmill. Once done, I hopped in the car and drove a football field's length to the yoga studio. I did an hour flow class.  I am the largest in the class. No, I don't have body-dismorphia and think I was the largest. I was the largest. I can hold my own, but my body is so large and heavy that I felt every ounce of myself. It is also restrictive to certain moves. The large belly gets in the way. The clothes fold over and under places. I find myself readjusting my clothes over the fat because it has rolled under the fat. I have to pull down the body hugging tank top because it rises over the belly. It is very self conscious practice. I am super aware of my body. Then, like labor and delivery of a baby, I forget how aware I am that I must do something with my body and lose the weight, that I'll eat things that I shouldn't.

Now to the weight. For years, I was at a maintained weight of 207 lbs. I ran my first 5K at 212 lbs. I never felt so heavy as I do now. I weighed in this morning at 228.7 lbs. I reached the height of 232 lbs about two months ago. This was a shock because the last time I entered labor and deliver at 232 lbs with my youngest; four years ago.

My goal is to get to my happy weight of 175 lbs. I am focusing on 10 lbs at a time. Right now I am focusing on 8.7 lbs. I feel every ounce. Usually, I am annoyed with myself for working so hard at the gym and not losing weight. I have to really focus on the food. I have to focus on my feelings that lead to eating more than enough of the food. The trainer (complimentary 2 sessions) said that I should go back to the Paleo. I had reached my low in over a decade by reaching 193 on Paleo. I quit Paleo in April of 2012, and in July of 2012, I had a gall bladder attack that caused me to have emergency surgery. I will write more about that in another post.

One more recently obtained excuse that has me teetering with my weight is that we are moving to another State in the new year. My husband has already moved and we both (me with kids) are commuting back and forth. I have to get this house ready to sell or rent, and there is a lot to do because I spent so much time focused on caring for my mother, three children, husband, and job.

Stay tuned for more status updates, recipes, and goals.

How have you been during my time away? Have you achieved your goals? How did you achieve them? How do you plan to continue maintaining goals? What is your advice to me and others about working on weight loss again?

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