Dealing with Loss . . .

We had to put my 12-year-old dog to sleep last night because the cancer invaded her lungs.  She had become very ill. Didn't have any appetite, lost control of her bladder, and was unable to walk.  She was so weak and slept all day and night.  I was, of course, in denial.  For almost 13 years, I took the lead in her care.  Vaccinations, kenneling, grooming . . . everything.  I told hubby that if he was so concerned over her, then he should take her to the Vet.  I didn't have a chance to say goodbye.  I have an immense amount of guilt for not being by her side and comforting her.  I am very sad, but a bit comforted by the fact that she was no longer in pain. 

But of course, I deal with my pain quite differently.  I do cry.  But I do eat to stuff the sadness down deep.  And while I did binge on things that I promised I wouldn't have today, I am fairly secure that I will just have this moment today to feel what I feel; cope as I need to; and work toward moving on tomorrow.

I didn't exercise today, not because of grief, but because I am coming down with a cold.  I am tired from Hubby's snoring keeping me awake 4 days straight.  I slept in the den where we have a pretty comfy, twin futon.  I woke up a few times waiting to hear Nika's choke chain dragging on the floor.  I felt so silly. 

So tonight I will do The Biggest Loser Weigh Loss Yoga.  It keeps me centered and focused.  I feel stronger and in control.