Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Dealing with Loss . . .

Nika RIP

We had to put my 12-year-old dog to sleep last night because the cancer invaded her lungs.  She had become very ill. Didn't have any appetite, lost control of her bladder, and was unable to walk.  She was so weak and slept all day and night.  I was, of course, in denial.  For almost 13 years, I took the lead in her care.  Vaccinations, kenneling, grooming . . . everything.  I told hubby that if he was so concerned over her, then he should take her to the Vet.  I didn't have a chance to say goodbye.  I have an immense amount of guilt for not being by her side and comforting her.  I am very sad, but a bit comforted by the fact that she was no longer in pain. 

But of course, I deal with my pain quite differently.  I do cry.  But I do eat to stuff the sadness down deep.  And while I did binge on things that I promised I wouldn't have today, I am fairly secure that I will just have this moment today to feel what I feel; cope as I need to; and work toward moving on tomorrow.

I didn't exercise today, not because of grief, but because I am coming down with a cold.  I am tired from Hubby's snoring keeping me awake 4 days straight.  I slept in the den where we have a pretty comfy, twin futon.  I woke up a few times waiting to hear Nika's choke chain dragging on the floor.  I felt so silly. 

So tonight I will do The Biggest Loser Weigh Loss Yoga.  It keeps me centered and focused.  I feel stronger and in control. 


  1. So sorry for your loss. Try to be good to yourself and don't lose sight of your goal.

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself!

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels as we had to put both our dogs down less than a year apart, one had cancer and was 13, but the other was just over 5 and it was not expected but developed a spine disorder (being a large dog). My thoughts are with you.

  4. I am so, so sorry for your loss and that you didn't have the chance to say goodbye - my heart is breaking for you. :(

    My hubby's family dog has cancer that has spread to her lungs as well. He's having a really tough time dealing with the knowledge that they'll have to put her to sleep.

    You're in my thoughts. *hugs*


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