Feeling bad . . .

It seems to be my regular pattern of feelings.  It doesn't seeem like much can cheer me up.  I am so bummed.  I went to a women's celebration, and instead of feeling cheerful and happy about a get together with wonderful women, I felt inadequate and unattractive.  I resisted going.  I never feel like I measure up.  But because I was invited and hubby was home, I went to meet other people and be more sociable. 

My mood lifted and dipped due to my meeting a very strong and determined young woman who is pregnant with her first child with Down's Syndrome; she is due this week.  She and her husband have decided to have their baby despite all the "recommendations" from doctors. She knew what was best for her and her family.  She understands the challenges, but sees the rewards so much more than the "negatives" (negatives that society has ingrained in us).  I admire her so much, and I wish her and her hubby the best.

So I came home a bit blue.  I decided that I have to lift out of the funk.  My issues are so much lesser.  I do have challenges, but nothing that requires self flagellation by food.  I am home with the kids this week.  I will be exercising everyday.  I am going to eat very well-proportioned meals.  And I must drink my water throughout the day. There are so many thoughts swirling.

Any suggestions for getting out of the winter/Christmas blues?

Like a carousel . . .

 

I wish that everything I encountered were like a carousel; a happy ride with music that is predictable and exciting with no scary bits. 

Hubby and I are pondering a lot about our future.  What that is, I can't say--not divorces or babies, I assure you.  We have a lot of things up in the air and we wish it were so much simpler to make definite decisions about our lives.  We have a really exciting vacation coming up for us.  I will show pictures when I return in January.  I will reveal about our plans after the New Year.

In the meantime, I will share that things have been the same.  Eating is still a struggle.  Exercise isn't a struggle because I do enjoy it and I find it a calming start to my day.  I am looking forward to the new year when I will once again commit to running and hope to train for a 10K.  I've been flirting with the idea of training for a half marathon.  But the notion is so absurd that I dismiss it and go back to the idea of a 10K.  For sure, I will do a 5K in the New Year.  I would love to do the 10K on my birthday, and I am sure there will be one scheduled for that day. 

How are you capping off 2010?  Are you going to start or begin with good and healthy habits to go into the New Year?  Or will you chuck it all and have fun with eating anything and everything and worrying about getting back on routine in the New Year?

Stepping Back . . . Resolutions

This month is crazy.  What holiday month isn't?  I realized that because of the holidays, work becoming busier with the winter break, and a vacation during the break, I can't do Weight Watcher's meetings this month.  While I haven't been successful on Weight Watchers, I've been faithfully attending.  I received my PointsPlus program, and I hope to put the program into action from today forward until I return to Weight Watchers in January.  

I am hoping not to take this time or vacation to gorge because "heck, I'm on vacation and I deserve this."  This is an especially stressful holiday with a lot of financial upheavals, but I am determined to make resolutions for the new year.  My resolutions don't involve losing weight, exercising more, or living a healthy life.  I've been doing that to some degree for the last two years.  But I am going to resolve to improve three (3) areas of my life that cause me to deviate from good intentions and plans.

1.  FINANCES:  I've been budgeting really well, but I am still getting a bit sidetracked with expenses: the ones that inevitably arise without pre-planning.  This means we are not saving for a rainy day.  When there is no money for the monsoons that seem to occur every other month, I panic.  I eat.  I stress.  I say, "I will never panic again; and I will never eat like this again."  But I do.  Inevitably, I do.  So while I pay off the minor debts we have, I will also be saving for the typhoons of expenses that have the potential of blowing through.

2.  HOUSEHOLD CLEANING & ORGANIZATION:  If my house isn't in order, how the heck am I supposed to get this body in order?  Since going back to work in 2009, I've let a lot go.  Yes, I can't obtain perfection, but I just want to get mine and the kid's clothes out of the basket and not be wrinkled on a daily basis.  I want the toilets cleaned weekly.  I want to vacuum more often than when we see white dust bunnies creeping about.  I want to wash the tile floors weekly too so I can walk around barefoot.  I want to have a stocked pantry and freezer.  Speaking of that, I want to have a larger refrigerator and freezer.  Because we rent, I can't do much about the fridge, but I am planning to buy a deep freezer and do bulk cooking and freezing.  I want these systems to be easier for us working parents.  I know that once I can start putting the dishes in the dishwasher before I go to bed, I wont' be so stressed and want to overeat in the morning.  Just sayin'!

3.  LITERACY/MATH:  I want to make sure my son is not at the bottom of his class.  We are now seeking therapy from a new therapist that opened our eyes to some great ideas and possibly meds to help his significant inattentiveness because of his autism spectrum.  He is dead last in his class.  He only knows 15 sight words while about 4 kids know 200 sight words.  Yikes!  He is disruptive with special ed-one-on-one attention.  I get calls about twice to 4 times a week.  That hurts.  It hurts so bad that it affects how I respond.  I respond by eating.  I only want the best for him.  And I want the best for me.  I hate getting those calls . . . they drive me to get a caramel brulee latte from Starbucks; not only am I spending $4.38, but I am using up 10 points out of 31.  Seriously?!?!

Do you read a pattern here?  I overeat for many reasons.  So if I can minimize the reasons for why I eat, then I hope this could be a way of overcoming my issues with food for comfort.  Is it a panacea?  mmmm, I don't know, but it couldn't hurt, right?

I am still considering Overeater's Anonymous.  It is more timing because of our family dynamic not being conducive to attending meetings on the weekends.  But Weight Watchers isn't cutting it for me right now.  I know the tools.  I've done it before.  But it is all in my mind, and I need to fix that most of all. 

What are your non-weightloss/healthy-living (but indirectly help those goals), New Year's resolutions?

Planning . . .

I've come to the conclusion that life is about planning; healthy living is about planning.  Writing out every detail and making a plan on tackling it is important for organization and staying on track.  It prepares me to follow specific goals.  Even if I am not able to do it, I should list them out. 

Hence, Thanksgiving didn't go as "planned".  I didn't write out my plan.  My plan was to eat small, nutritious meals during and after the Thanksgiving dinner.  I ate way too much desert.  WAY TOO MUCH! I also ate things that contained oodles of dairy: egg nog (despite buying soy--I had the real stuff--a pint; sans liquor); sweet potato and brie gratin; mashed potatoes ( I make mine with light olive oil).  We had the sides catered locally.  We don't have the time or energy to cook so much food in our little kitchen.  We made the turkey ourselves.  I would have preferred a turducken--really, I searched for one.

Now, I feel sick.  I feel bloated.  I feel constipated (thankfully, the opposite of what dairy does to me).  And I feel like I let myself down again.  But this won't ruin my plans from now on.  I ate a hefty salad for lunch today.  Believe me, I need all the roughage I can get.  I didn't workout this morning, but I did some during the holiday break.  On Saturday, I walked 90 minutes on the treadmill while streaming a movie on my netbook--yay, Netflix!  Tonight, I will be on the spin bike while listening to my crazy Itouch that isn't shuffling songs. 

It is not the end of the world..  All is okay.  I may have to plan a lot better and do a lot more "to do" lists, but I can do it.

Improving . . . a bit

The picture above has no relevance to this post, but only to write that I joined a Food + Foto group on Flickr.  I've been taking a lot of pics of food lately.  Heck it consumes my day and night.  I am always planning.  I am always trying to figure out points and combinations of food for meals.  Why not take pics of it too. My secret wish is to leave my job and work at a magazine as a photographer, either a food or interior design magazine.  I love still life because I can control and manipulate it easily: the light, the setting, the details, etc. 

I've been doing better. I still have my emotional eating moments.  I am starting to really recognize that eating to fill the void is not working.  I exercised 5 times last week.  I hope to do the same this week despite Thanksgiving.  We are catering-in the sides for our Thanksgiving dinner, so there won't be much leftovers because we are getting enough for 6 people only. I will make sweet potato rolls.

Mother-in-law is arriving today.  Not so stressful because I plan to leave her with the kids a couple of times this week.  Yay! 

This morning at 5 a.m. I did the spin cycle for 60 minutes.  Tough on the "lady-parts".  I can't believe Dimple Snatcher is planning a two hour spin session at her local gym.  You go, girl!  I've been using 3 lb weights during my spin sessions.  I've been doing a lot of arm movements.  I feel a lot stronger and tighter in my upper body.  The bat wings are still waving in the wind, but I am trying my best. 

I had a pretty good weekend, not eventful, but enough to make me really happy and at ease. 

How are you dealing with Thanksgiving?  What are your plans?  Any tips or tricks to keep on plan?

It does get better . . .

Great news: hearing in good ear came back normal and as good as the last time.  Hearing in bad ear has the potential of hearing with the assistance of a hearing aide.  We were never given that as an option in the past.  That was great and encouraging news.  Husband and I were so relieved that night.  I think I could barely sleep because of the excitement.

I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement.  It is great to know that I am supported, albeit virtually.

Keep thinking of us while we go through the calibration and fittings. She has a CT scan in December.  We need to figure out what happened to her ear to have such issues.

And baby sister, Lootie Tootie, has to get her ears tested and seen by the ENT because she had a perforated ear drum from an ear infection last week.  Keep fingers crossed for that one.

Also, I lost 1.4 lbs on WW this week.  Despite having stress up the whazoo.  I think I can actually do this and do this well. Small goals are taking shape.

I've worked out Mon, Tues, Wed, and early this morning.  Thursdays, weigh-in day, will be my "rest" days, but I'll probably try to do something sporty that day.

I am trying to make things better by thinking more positively and seeing a rainbow at the end of all the muck and mire. 


How are you overcoming recent challenges?

I can only save myself . . .

Rough last week.  Rough start to my weekend.  I think weekends are my good-intentions-killer.  The stress eating and emotional overload is what does me in.  I am over committed with the kids and their activities.  Today, I formulated a plan.  I got up at my usual 5:00 a.m. for my workout.  I set my itouch to alert me in 60 minutes, and I got on the spin cycle.  I did some weights while on the cycle.  And I reassessed everything.  EVERYTHING.  

There is no hero to come save me from myself.  I have to save me from me.  The extra helping and the extra cookies don't make me feel better.  The just don't.  The sleeping in (as yummy as that sounds and feels) does not burn off the fat.

EATING PLAN:

Eating more fruits and veggies in season.  I had a really great spaghetti squash with chicken and marinara sauce with spinach on Friday.  It was divine.  I've forgotten how nice it is to eat something that is simple and not refined like rice, bread, or cereal.  It was light, but filling all at once.  

I've been wanting to menu plan.  Write in my planner every week what I am going to make for dinner, which in turn will become lunch.  Planning breakfast and snacks around my day.  Allowing something sweet, even if it is very small, will make me feel like I am not deprived.  I desperately want to learn to bake something and  to not devour it in a day.  I want to take a clue from Amazon who ate ONE brownie in the span of 3 days.  Seriously?  This kid is genetically mine, but I still have doubts.

FITNESS:

60 minutes a day of cardio. No excuses. I can't continue to think that I can lose weight by eating less; I am just not eating less.  My body needs the daily activity.  It doesn't have to be a 5 mile run, but I definitely have to burn off the fat.  Strength training has been done while on the machines.  Light weights and increased repetitions, but not consistently.  Yoga helped my upper body be stronger.  I have to get back to Yoga with consistency.  Goodness, I have a love-hate relationship with planks and Chaturangas [push ups], but they work.  

And have fun.  Okay, exercising at 5 a.m. is not fun.  I felt like a zombie this morning.  It took me 6 minutes to convince my body to get on the darn machine, but I did it.  60 minutes on the spin bike is done for the day.  And tomorrow is another day.  I've thought of exercising twice a day.  Breaking up the strength training from cardio, but I can't conceive of that happening.  I just don't see where I have the time nor energy.  Yes, exercise will bring the energy--yada, yada, yada.

Hubby is bringing over one of his strength and conditioning guys to teach us Kettlebells.  Yeah, kettlebells.  He trains our Men's Hockey Team.  His wife is a rock start trainer too.  I thought I would be excited.  I am terrified.  Post on that soon.

JOURNALING:

Weight Watchers encourages tracking.  That means me writing every single, darn thing that I put in my mouth.  As much as I hate it, and I do mean hate, I have to do it.  I have to be accountable for what I do to myself.  Seeing it on paper will help me resolve my issues on a daily basis.  Why do I resist it?  Because I am a perfectionist; classic perfectionist.  If I miss a day, I am done.  If I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all.  And there is the added fear of becoming addicted to writing everything.  I fear having so much control over my eating, writing it down, controlling portions, writing that down, losing weight, then maybe losing conscious control of the loss of weight.  In essence, I fear that this will become another addiction.  There I said it.  My overeating is an addiction; and I fear under-eating will become one too. Crazy?  Maybe.

GIVING BACK:

I'm having lunch on Friday with a new friend.  She is a triathlete.  Skinny as a rail.  And she had a heart attack a few months ago.  Yes, a heart attack.  She has done a small triathalon since.  She travels a lot.  She went to California for business, came back home to run a 5K for Girls On The Run, and flew back to California to complete her business.  She is insane.  I told her as much.  But I am so inspired by her commitment to fitness and wellness and young women's issues.

So I asked if we could talk about creating a Girls On The Run program at my daughter's school.  My daughter is finally the age to be in the program.  The young girls in our school are primarily African American and Latina girls.  These are the groups that statistically have higher incidence of diabetes, heart disease, and hypertension. Cheap food is bad food; and cheap food is all that most of these families can afford. I want girls to have a better start in their lives; especially in self esteem and confidence through fitness.  I don't want them to be like the young girl I was before college: a teenager weighing 225 lbs.  It isn't right . . . for anyone.

I am printing off the info packet.  I plan to write a proposal to the school's Principal (my son and him have a very special relationship seeing as he gets sent there often).  And I hope to start up the program in the Spring.  My only concern is costs.  These girls come from very low income homes.  I don't think that the membership fees can be paid for.  So I am looking into grants and donations.

See, I am over committed.  But if I can get one girl to love running and keep that for the rest of her life, then it will be all worth it.  I'll be Super Gal for this cause.

Do you give back "wellness" wise?  If so, what do you do?  If not, what would you like to do?

The Temptation of the Cup Cake . . .

It was my son's birthday this weekend.  I had a lot of trials with him because of his autism spectrum behavioral challenges.  HE WAS B-A-D.  He even scratched the cheeks of my 2-year-old in anger with me.  I was not happy.  I cried.  I felt betrayed and disrespected by him. 

I don't know how single mothers raise their children alone without someone to trade time with.  I really don't know how my mother did it with me; and the fact that I was a girl is no consolation because there are many girls who disobey and dishonor their parent.  I am a single mother for 9 months of the year while my hubby travels with work; and his doctoral classes are taking the evenings away.  My hubby was traveling this weekend.  When he came home on Sunday, he took over.  He helped significantly.  That was such a relief.  He is still helping implement discipline and consequences.  And the boy seems to be getting it; I hope.

How has that affected me eating wise?  I've overeaten.  However, I've also stopped myself.  I've talked to myself and have talked myself off the binging-ledge.  I hope to keep doing a lot of self talk.  Planning my meals have been key.  Chewing gum helps me a lot to get the nervous energy of cooking for the family because of my limited time in the evenings.  I get overwhelmed because I want to feed them, spend time, and put them to bed so they can rest.  It is a tough dynamic.  I know I am not alone.

Today, I got a great comment from Paulawannacracker.  She talked about Overeater's Anonymous.  I had never considered it.  One of the things I like is the concept of a support group to air out my issues and hope to get an ear, support, and recommendations from other members.  I may attend a meeting once I figure out the requirements for attending a meeting locally; day, time, and location are a factor because of my family and work commitments.  And of course, I'll report my experience.

Have you considered a support group for weight loss, overeating, etc?

Not counting my eggs . . .

Thank you so much for all of your support.  I am truly humbled by your comments.  And even those of you lurkers, I am sure you understand and feel for my issues.  I am going to just enjoy everyday until I actually know what is going on.  That means I have to wait until she gets a new test and we speak to the ENT.  You will be alerted to what happens. 

The reason I blog about such a highly sensitive and personal matter is to get those pent up thoughts and concerns out into the Universe so I don't have to worry about discussing them with hubby (who will take blame or feel blamed or nagged), my mother (who will worry and cry), or friends (who have their own issues with their families).  It is a way of cleansing myself from all these thoughts that drive me to hurt myself.  Overeating/binging is "hurting" myself. 

The concept of eating a few cookies, then Halloween candy, then a full dinner with extra helpings is personally, extremely hard to label as "binging".  We have this concept of a woman hiding in her room with three or more different packages of cookies and cakes, eating it all, then vomiting it all in an effort to stop the absorption of calories and fat to prevent weight gain.  As defined, to "binge" is to engage in excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink; and excess is the state of going past what is normal or sufficient.  I didn't need to eat that much for my health.  I ate that much because I was in pain, further causing pain . . . then guilt.  And the end result is weight gain, which is the opposite of what I am trying to do in my life and present in this blog. 

I am not doing myself a service by eating an extra serving or snack in excess between meals just because I am emotional.  I know why I overeat.  I know that I am hurting myself.  I  am not overweight because of my metabolism, big bones, or Latina genes.  I overeat.  I exercise, but I eat in excess of what I burn off.  And that is not a great thing. That is a disorder.

I've been reading and seeing so much about eating disorders on the E! Network, Style Network and on Oprah that I've been looking into therapy.  Yep--therapy.  While I am still trying to control myself [presently chewing gum like a cow to control my boredom and anxiety], I know that I need to speak to a professional about my issues.  I've been looking into someone who specializes in eating disorders like overeating.  While I hate to label myself without proper diagnosis, I can't help but state the fact that I feel it is wrong to eat the volume I do when I am physically not hungry.  And the relief that I get (temporarily) is still not filling the void that drove me to eat.  I have no self control to redirect myself to do something else when I am feeling the emotions that drive me to eat.

I am not saying with absolute certainty that I will find and start attending therapy, I will not close myself off to the possibility that I can learn to handle myself more appropriately and turn to something else rather than food.  However, I am aware that I am not the same gal that lost over 75 pounds in her early 20s.  I have new concerns and challenges as a wife, mother, and employee.  I am nearing 40.  I am just not that gal.  I am not that mentally resilient when it comes to taking care of me because I have so many others to worry about: hubby, mom, 3 kids, and my students at work.

I've still been attending WW.  I have presently lost 2.2 lbs in the three weeks since joining.  While it is a small loss, I am pleased that I've been able to lose while still having my momentary lapse in judgment by binging.  I stay for the meetings and I actively participate in the discussion--always, it is in my nature to share and teach.  I have been exercising moderately.  I hope to get back on a regular schedule of exercise.  The one thing I've come to realize are that when I stop exercising consistently I am in pain for the first few times when I get back to exercise.  My hips hurt.  My knee hurts.  I am feeling it--hard.

I've been taking it slow: walking on the treadmill or cycling on my spin bike for more than 45 minutes each time.  I've been using small weights or contracting my muscles to workout my upper body while on those machines.  I've made a plan to start Yoga again.  I have no idea why I ever stopped.  It brought me such comfort and peace of mind.  I was physically stronger and flexible then.  But I am having a bit of a panic attack about doing it again.  I have to figure out what that is about.  Consciously, I believe I am afraid of not being good enough when I seek perfection in all that I do; a weird concept, I know. 

If you exercise, what is the one exercise that you enjoy and why?

Burst bubble . . .

I got a bit of distressing news yesterday.  My eight-year-old, whom I call Amazon (she is tall and slender, which I've never been) had an audiological appointment yesterday.  We discovered when she was five and entering kindergarten that she had profound loss in one ear.  I was shocked and out of sorts during that time (that time was a really bad time for me emotionally to begin with).  But once we got the news and were told how to cope, we moved on and have lived a normal life.  Then I got an email from the school's audiologist needing a new report.  So I made an appointment and was able to be seen the next day, which was yesterday.

The audiologist did a double testing, which means she had a second audiologist do a new series of tests to confirm her suspicion.  The suspicion is that my child is losing her hearing in her "good ear".  What?  

So we scheduled an appointment for another double audiology in two weeks.  Then Amazon will see the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor to discuss "options" of services.  The word "options" sent me in a tizzy of fret and sorrow.  I was internally beside myself.

You see, I put up this huge outward, take-charge, make a plan facade.  Internally, I am freaking out.  I don't ever want my daughter to see me out of control with fear.  She needs more.  She needs to know that her hearing loss is like having vision problems; instead of glasses, she "may" need a hearing aide.  But the may-need-what is the concern because in scheduling the appointment they didn't know which type of ENT we should meet with.  That could also mean surgery.  And at worst, a cochlea implant--I say at worst because of cost, expense of maintenance and change of "normal" lifestyle to accomodate.  

We had tried to keep her as normal as possible.  What I mean is that my husband has lived his whole life with hearing loss in one ear, and he is okay.  So I assumed she would be too.  Her godmother has lived with hearing loss her whole life, and she is okay.  So I assumed Amazon would be too.  I feel like I neglected her.  I somehow lost sight that she has needs.  

Amazon told me that she had been having trouble for a while, and I asked why she didn't tell me?  She answered, I didn't want you to worry.  Worry?  I responded, "my being worried is not your responsibility.  My responsibility is to make sure you are healthy and safe, and I will do anything to make sure that happens."  I reminded her of my actions when she flew over the handle bars this summer and split her lip open; how I took charge.  During our drive to the ER, she asked me if I was going to cry.  I suspect she wanted to see some emotion.  But I told her that my job is to keep calm and composed so I can make sure she gets what she needed from the hospital.  But that night, I binged.  That was my inner lack of control coming out.

Last night we watched The Biggest Loser episode where they were being trained by Marines.  She saw one of the contestants pass out from asthma (which I have) and her severe obesity.  Amazon started talking about weight and how is it that I can run races, get up in the morning to exercise and do yoga, but haven't lost weight.  It took her a while to get to the jist of her question.  I responded that weight loss depends on the person.  Not getting the answer she wanted, she started talking about how fat she is; which is not a topic I allow as discussion.  I said, "you are not fat.  You are not fat. You are NOT fat. No one in this house is fat."

But there is.  I am.  And my lack of self control is the cause of that fat.  I can run races.  I can spin for an hour.  I can do downward dog for hours.  But I will always be fat because when I heard that my child is losing the rest of her good hearing, that Halloween candy had no chance of staying in their bucket, those 4 cookies were eaten before dinner, and that spaghetti and meatballs with extra helping had no chance of becoming lunch for today.  

Somehow, I need to make sure that exterior composure sees it's way into my inner feelings and know that everything will be all right . . . and no amount of food will make me feel better. 

"No Love For Cooking" Chronicles . . .

I hate to cook.  I am not great at it, but watch so many cooking shows that I can make something in the spur of the moment.  I cook out of shear necessity and near poverty.  Today, I really wanted to go out to lunch, but there was no money for it (we are a cash only family).  So I made chicken sandwiches for the kids.  I decided to make Salmon cakes for me . . . and hubby too.

No Love Salmon Cakes:

2 packages of Chicken of the Sea Pink Salmon

1/4 c. of a finely chopped onions

1 small, minced garlic clove

1 egg

3/4 c. bread crumbs (I made my own from left over pizza dough [like panko] that I baked and processed: kept in fridge)

1/2 tbsp dijon mustard

1 tsp of tarragon

salt and pepper to taste

Preheat skillet.  Add veggie oil or spray with non stick pan.  Combine all in bowl.  Form ball.  Kinda wet. Gently place in hot skillet.  Brown both sides for about 4-5 minutes each side until golden.

Serve.  Enjoy!

Do you like cooking?  If so, what do you keep in your pantry to make at the spur of the moment?

Cut in half . . .

Hubby and I went to a reception at work yesterday.  We had a babysitter for the evening.  We cut out of the event early to have dinner at Liliana's.  I had the best dinner.  I started off with bread. Yes, corn bread and then the spicy biscuit.  Sue me!  I then had mushroom soup . . . mmmm, creamy! And ate half of my entre.  I had the scallops with 4 dollops of wasabi mash potatoes with a cabbage-veggie salad in the center.  I cut it in half and boxed it for lunch the next day.  Yes, I ate half of my entre.  That is monumental!

I never cut my restaurant meals in half.  The old Rosa would have eaten every single thing in sight and asked for more.  I made sure to split it down the middle and push it aside.  Half of hubby's entre is in the fridge and will be Wedneday's lunch for me.  I am proud.  I am excited at my new frame of mind.  And yes, I had two cookies when I came home. 

A sweet treat . . .

One of my goals in weight loss is allowing myself to eat a sweet treat . . . everyday.  I want to get to the point where I am not feeling like I am depriving myself of what I want.  I hope that I eventually get to a place where I can actually refuse dessert. 

Since joining Weight Watchers I've been baking cookies from their recipes.  It is nice to be able to bake with the kids.  It is nice to be able to give them a healthy, low calorie treat after dinner.  And it is nice to eat 2 cookies for 2 points without feeling immense guilt. 

After lunch yesterday, my daughter refused a chocolate chip cookie that I gave her for dessert.  She said she didn't want it.  Of course, that was fine.  That was great!  Heck, what is wrong with this child that she can so easily refuse it?  I figured it is because she knows she can have it whenever.  She doesn't deprive herself of anything.  She is not a restricter as Geneen Roth wrote in "Women, Food and God".  I am usually the restricter that goes back and forth between permitter and restricter. 

I want a happy medium.  I want to just exist in this life without having a list of "banned" foods.  Okay, I won't eat transfats.  But if I want a darn cookie, I am going to have it. 

Another thing I wish I could do is refuse the offer or temptation of a cookie.  After baking the above delectable delights, I had daughter offer one to her Papa.  He refused.  I heard him say, "no, thank you. I don't want it.  I'm not hungry."  WHAT?  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  IT IS A DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CHEW!  And I realized, I want to get to that point.  I want to be like him and my daughter:  I want to have it when I want it, and I want to refuse it when I am not hungry.

Could you resist trying a cookie when you are not hungry?Are you a Restricter or a Permitter?

Portion Control . . .

One thing I've been really working hard at doing is to reduce my portions by prepacking my meals into my white Corelle cereal bowls.  They have plastic lids as covers.  I pack breakfast, which is usually oatmeal with cranberries, walnuts and almond milk.  For lunch, it is usually left overs from the night before.  I pack my lunch right after dinner.  Sometimes I have enough for a couple days of lunch.  Is it boring sometimes?  Yes.  However, I really just want to control the excess eating.

I've been measuring portions; especially of my grains and rice.  I sure love rice.  I've limited myself to 1/2 cup of white rice on the occassions that I make it.  If I want seconds (which I am resisting), I don't feel so guilty because I've not gone over 1 cup. 

My biggest weakness is snacking before dinner.  Well . . . binging.  That is the time when I feel the need to decompress from the day, from the stressors of family life, from the guilt of binging--I'm aware that doesn't make sense. 

My first weigh-in at Weight Watchers wasn't very successful.  I am still sick with this bronchial issue.  Coughing all night and day.  I am still stressed about my Mom.  My son is a handful too.   Life gets in the way.  But the great news, I didn't gain.  I lost .2 pounds.  That is fine by me.  I am working harder this week.

I've come to the realization this morning that one bowl of cereal with almond milk, cranberries, and walnuts is enough.  It is more than enough to fill me.  Anymore than that means I am trying to fill something else.  I just always have to think what that something else is.

How do you control portions?

She drove me to eat . . .

My mother has always been my biggest supporter and has been my biggest critic.  She was encouraged by pediatricians to put me on numerous diets throughout my life.  She hid food.  She restricted food.  She made me salads and ground burger meat (her Atkins diet before Atkins).  She would tell me in not-so-many words that if I didn't lose weight, I'd never have a boyfriend.  And despite all that angst she caused me, she was kinda right.  After losing weight in college, I got noticed.  I got asked out.  The same guys that knew me "fat" saw me differently when I was slender.  And then I met my future husband when I was 20; a few months after losing over 75 pounds.  She did it because she loves me.

And now she is driving me to eat.  I've been binging.  Even with Weight Watchers weigh-in looming this Thursday, I am eating.  My mom is turning 75, but her mind is turning 95.  She has been losing her memory.  I've been noticing it for the last 2 years since she visited me when I was due with my youngest.  The above picture I took during that time.  She sat down next to me around that time and asked me if it was 1968.  1968?  I wasn't born in 1968.  You didn't know my father in 1968.  I don't even think you were even in America in 1968.  I dismissed it as her being out of her element: away from her apartment in Massachusetts; away from her routine; away from her extended family, etc.

She called me sometime last week in a panic that she was losing her memory and is starting to become afraid.  Then I started to become afraid.  She assured me that she would go to a doctor about it.  Then a day later told me she wouldn't go to a doctor because there was nothing they could do--that she knew better than me because she had more experience with the elderly than I do.  She was a home health aide to the elderly and disabled.  She resurrected many clients from sickly, almost dying people and extended their lives for months and often, many years.  And now she needs someone to resurrect her from dementia.  It isn't possible to recover from that.  I just need her here with me.  With that knowledge, I am trying to figure out the resources in my community for my mother who lives on a very fixed income.

She had me when she was 39.  She raised me by herself.  She worked 12 hour days, 7 days a week. Imagine working 45 years for Social Security income and it only being $900 a month.  She didn't know about retirement planning: Roth IRAs, 401Ks, etc.  She has been paying $11 a month for almost 30 years for a life insurance policy of $10,000.  As a Spanish speaking immigrant, she had no one to teach her how to manage her economic life after retirement.  And I didn't have the tools to teach her until recently.   She plays the lottery weekly in hopes of hitting the big jackpot so she can make great things happen for her and for me, and for my kids.  She calls me and tells me to play the lottery.  And I sometimes do.  With a bit of hope that I win and make our lives better.

But mostly I worry.  And that worry turns to hunger.  And that hunger cannot be filled up by all the Chinese takeout, cookies, bowls of cereals that I shove down my throat.  I've tried to "stuff" that hunger and hope for it to be filled.

I am trying to do better for myself.  I am her only child.  I am my children's only mother.  I am my husband's wife.  I need to take care of myself so I can take care of them.  I will be working hard to stop myself from filling the void that can't be filled.  But it is hard to constantly remind myself that I am abusing myself when I don't deserve it and my mother only wants the best for me. 

Hunger Check . . .

If  this is not appealing, then you are not truly hungry; you may be thirsty, bored, sad--anything else by hungry.  

I am trying to really work on assessing my hunger.  I had a nice lunch that was very filling. I may have even been stuffed. I truly can't tell anymore. I am cooking dinner as I write this.  Usually, I'll be snacking while I cook.  But I am making such a conscious effort to not do that.

I joined Weight Watchers on Thursday of last week.  I won't write how much my starting weight is . . . just yet.  I need to get to my 5% loss in order to be truly satisfied with my efforts.  I enjoyed the support meeting.  I think that is mostly what I need.  I need to feel supported.  It isn't that I don't get that from home or from the blogging community.  It is just a different feeling.  I actually "hear" it instead of read about others struggles.  I get tips.  I get understanding.  

It is also nice to be able to be accountable to weigh in week after week after spending $12 to weigh in.  I hate losing money.  Really . . . hate . . . losing . . . money.  Really!

What kind of hunger check do you do when you want to reach for a little something of something? 

Arms, revisited!

I have this deep need to have really lean and buff arms.  I've written about that before.  Well, this weekend, in a fit of angst and fear, I started another arm project.  But this time.  It isn't a formal weight lifting session with heavy dumbbells.  I decided to use my resistance bands, attached to the door, and do this very weird series of arm movements.  The inspiration is Tracy Anderson.  Madonna's trainer.  Gwyneth's trainer.  I watched many videos this weekend.  She does this "hand slap" routine without weights.  But she also does a series with resistance bands that are attached high in the ceiling (which she uses a hooked bar to pull down).  I sort of combined this type of hand slaps and resistance band, and made a funky little upper body routine that I do in a series for 15 minutes.  Then I switch to 3 lb weights and do a bit of bicep curls, shoulder raises and tricep moves.

I did this on Saturday, and boy, my arms had that nice soreness that I love after a good workout on Sunday. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. this morning and did a 20 minute routine of the same.  My arms are still in a bit of that soreness.

I am desperately hoping to keep this routine up.  I want those bat wings gone.  And I think this routine is totally doable for me.  It is a cheap workout.  I only need a door and a resistance band.  I don't even need the dumbbells. And yes, I am totally realistic of the fact that years of self abuse by being obese may have rendered me with bat wings for life; however, I am holding out hope.

I am sidelined from cardio.  I've had this nasty chest cold that leaves me coughing all night.  Even with cough medicine, I am hacking up a lung.  I hate it.  5k is scheduled for October 30.  I am hoping to still run even with training being inconsistent. 

Looking forward to Weight Watchers on Thursday.  Kinda scared to commit.  But I'd be committing to good health, so why am I scared?  Scared to fail is probably the reason. 

Do you have issues with your arms?

Support

I went to a Weight Watchers meeting to observe the support provided.  I've been on Weight Watchers on and off over the years, but today I felt compelled to go.  I've been binging lately.  Overwhelmed.  I have this mentality that I can do it by myself.  I don't need support.  I just need "me" to get stronger and emotionally together to lose weight.  But I realized that no amount of exercise or writing on this blog will fully support me.  I need a group.  I need to express myself when a question is asked.  I need validation from a bunch of other people struggling . . . and succeeding.  I need to hear them.  I need to learn from them. 

I didn't join today.  I will join next week.  It will be every Thursday from 12:15 to 12:45 p.m. I will walk to the meetings from work (a total of 2.36 miles); even in the dead of winter. I will weigh in.  I will participate. I will learn. And I will succeed. 

The Early Bird

I got up this morning and got my workout clothes on.  The plan: to run for 30 minutes straight.  I hadn't done that in a long time.  I had allowed myself to slack in my running and just run 20 minutes.  Today, I ran for 30 minutes after a 5 minute warm up, and did a 5 minute cool down.  I then hopped on the spin cycle and did 20 minute cycling.  I felt strong and capable to take on the day. 

I have forgotten to challenge myself.  I need to push a bit past my comfort zone.  And I need to remember that it is all mind over matter.  My capable of more.  I just have to devote the time.  I don't want to rush through an exercise session.  I want to get all I need to get out of it. 

I have created a new schedule for the month: 4 days of running and 3 days of spinning; Strength training has to be fit in somewhere. 

Thank you to all the commenters who gave me such positive feedback.  I know that we are sometimes harder on ourselves, and can't see things as clearly as others do.

Her, again?

I was asked to choose a pic for my jobs newsletter and one of them struck me because of the pic that I took in 1994.  Sixteen years have passed and now this girl (now a woman), is back again.  I thought that she wouldn't make an appearance when I got rid of her.  I told myself that I would never get back to that place. 

Not even seeing this side by side am I prompted to make a real change; binges are back.  Stressors have actually permitted me to eat crap and beat myself up later.  Today, I have the sniffles.  I know that a cold is coming.  I am overwhelmed with work, kids, husband's work and schooling.  All STUPID excuses.  Always stupid excuses.

I look at "her" and I actually remember the minimal stressors: no debt, no concerns over a spouse or children, or a job.  Her only job: do well in school and enjoy the good times to be had.  Even though she never dealt with my present issues, she wasn't happy.  She was lonely.  She was unloved.  She was unhealthy.  She was unfit.  She wanted to shed her outer self to project her inner self. 

She got healthy, fit, and happy when the weight was dropped.  But now she is back.  I am not sure if it is her or a new gal.  I am thinking it is a new gal.  And I want the new gal to go away!  But I often wonder if she is meant to always be here.  Is it worth trying to get rid of her, over and over again?

Giveaway Winner:

Number 5: 

That is Pamela.

Congrats Pamela. Please send me an email located on the side of my blog, so you can claim your copy of Women, Food and God. I wish we could have an answer to balancing everything that life throws at Women. Maybe this book will give you more insight on at least one aspect: food and how to control it, so it doesn't control us.


EDITED TO ADD:

Uh oh, I don't want to take this prize from Jennifer, but I just took the time to actually read her comment again. It seems she has the book. I will be redoing the random generator. Sorry, Jennifer. I hope you join in another future giveaway. Thanks for understanding.

The Line Diet

Don't forget the giveaway. Tomorrow is the last day to enter your comment.

I've talked about the line diet before.

There is an online tool for graphing your progress. You set a goal weight and calendar date to reach that weight. You weigh in as often as you'd like. Some people do it daily. Other's, like me, not so often.  I like making mini goals to reach toward my overall goal of . . . dare I say, 150 lbs. 

This is my line diet graph.  I removed my screen name in the clouds for privacy.  The fixed line indicates how much you should lose daily to reach your goal.  The red line indicates the weight on, below or above your daily goal. With my recent mental and emotional work toward eating less and moving more, I've been steadily losing weight.  I hope to get to 191 by the 5K I plan to run on October 30th.  I ran the same race last year at 212.  I would like to see how 21 lbs off my body increases my speed, and reduces discomfort while running.

Basically, if you go over the fixed line, you are to eat less and exercise more. If you are under the fixed line, you are to eat sensible and exercise. It allows you to proportion your day to keep on track of your goal.  For those of you who need to see results of your accomplishments, the line diet chart is a great way to see the loss. I've become more conscious of how I am doing by seeing that red line.  And I'll admit that I couldn't bring myself to plugging in my weight after last weekend's binge.  But I've been working hard this week, and the results are steadily getting me to goal. 

There is also a second chart for when you want to rate your eating and exercise for that day. I don't often fill that one out, but when I am having a great day, it is nice to plug it in.


What method of tracking your weight loss journey are you doing?  Do you think it has helped your progress?

Article: Hungry for More.

I wrote about this "hunger" that I felt because of my exercise.  I read this article, a simple retelling of a story about a new runner and the excess eating because of the "hunger" he felt from running and how he justified his excessive eating.  This article gave me permission to "not" eat more than necessary.  I always had this delusion concept that I could exercise a lot and eat the same or more because "heck, I am burning calories and building muscle."  What I forgot is that while I am burning calories and building muscle, I have excess fat that needs to burn most of all.  I have to create a deficit in my day.  Simple?  Sounds so.  But for someone who rationalizes and justifies every single thing that I do, it isn't so simple.  I "deserve" food sounds more simple to me. 

I've had to recognize that I can't eat like all those healthy lifestyle blogs with the lovely little snacks in between meals and fantastically composed meals with the right proportions of protein, carbs, and veggies.  I can certainly eat like that, but I don't have to double the quantity; or eat other foods while I am preparing that healthy snack or meal.

I am trying to eat high quality foods in low quantity portions.  I am allowing myself to feel a little bit of hunger at the end of each meal.  I am recognizing that the little twinge of hunger is not really hunger because it does go away when I focus on something else.  Water has become a friend.  And the bathroom has become a companion. 

The hard part of this new awareness is being constantly aware of food and feelings (both emotional and physical).  I am really looking forward to a time when food doesn't consume my thoughts.  I don't want to always be aware of my next meal and the portions.  I want to naturally stop when I am full.  I want to eat when my body is really hungry and not because I presently have to rely on a clock to tell me when it is "okay" to eat.  I want to be a little more spontaneous with eating and not have to rely on packaging just the right amount and specific foods.  And one day, I want to be able to be satisfied (mentally) with one cookie or a few bites of dessert.  Oh how I envy women (and men) who can take a couple of fork fulls of pastry and push away a plate containing (what is to me) a huge, remaining portion of crust or browned crumbles of loveliness (wasteful).  And I want to stop thinking that leaving food behind on my plate is wasteful.

I'll get there. 

Don't forget about the giveaway. 

Do you think about food constantly, or have you gotten to a place where you consume food and aren't consumed by it?

Giveaway: Women, Food and God

I am giving away my copy of Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth.  As you've read from the title of this blog, I am fully aware of why I eat.  I eat to quelch the emotions that I don't want to deal with.  I eat to cap off the joy of great news or a great day. I express my emotions and anxiety through my eating. 

I was hoping that this book would give me the answer I have been searching for: "how do I stop?"  And despite giving wonderful advise as to delving into "why", I am not quite certain I came away with the "how" to force myself to take control. 

Recently, I've been suppressing some of my hunger.  I've been taking small portions of food to work.  I've been snacking on a fruit and mini Luna or Lara bar before dinner.  I've been supplementing my hunger with water.  I lost some weight.  I've gained some weight during my "binges"; especially this weekend.  I have been feeling a sense of angst balancing motherhood, wifely duties, and working full time outside of the home.  I don't have family here.  I don't have friends to ask for help.  The help I get is paid for, and that provides another sense of anxiety.  How to pay for things on an already stretched budget?  Exercise isn't on the top of my priority as it was months ago.  I am filled with stress and I am suppressing that stress by eating an extra cookie or bowl of cereal; instead I should be sweating it out or posing it out with Yoga.

I want to give this book away to someone who wants to figure out why they overeat and how to control it.  If you are interested in getting this book, please leave a comment.  The winner will be randomly chosen by the random number generator.  Winner will be announced on the evening of Friday, September 16, 2010.

For fun, answer this: "What is the food that you cannot live without?"

Comfy pants

I have made a commitment to myself to no longer lounge in the house with yoga pants, sweats, or shorts with elastic.  Why?  You lose a sense of an expanding waist line with comfy pants.  I had the wrong impression that these jeans were too tight.  But they aren't.  I haven't deviated from a 16 and these jeans have a bit of stretch in them.  When you go elastic, you tend to expand in body along with the stretchy fabric.

I am also budgeting for new pairs of slacks and jeans because the waistline has grown bigger due to my weight loss and deteriorating fibers.  Buying skinny jeans for my 8-year-old girl made me realize that my pants shouldn't be too tight, but they shouldn't sag all over either. 

I weighed in at 205 lbs today.  I've lost the 4 lbs that I gained during vacation.  I've been around 205 for the last year.  I am so sick of it.  I am using the line diet graph to chart my progress.  It is a great way to have a visual of what you are losing, and how much you are projected to lose daily until you reach your goal by the goal date.

Have you fallen into the comfy pant trap?   If you are losing weight, have you invested in clothes that are more fitting to your new body?

A Bite . . .

After a vacation filled with tons of great food that I indulged in, I decided that I must realize a balance in my eating.  New week, new plan.  I packed my food this week with leftovers.  My lunches were packed in the same sized bowl daily, which was enough for me.  I am an overeater, and I came to the conclusion that it is okay to be a little hungry.  My body doesn't have to feel uncomfortably stuffed to be satisfied.  And while I am still at the stage of thinking about the next meal, I am trying to control myself.

Tonight, I took the kids to Qdoba.  I had my regular Naked Chicken Burrito Bowl with no sour cream or cheese, with salsa and a bit of quacamole. Hey, avocados are a necessity.  I did steal the babies chips, but no overload.  And then I took the kids to the local bakery for a cookie each.  The above was my cookie.  It was a mocha chocolate dip on one side cookie.  It was yummy.  And I don't regret it.  Why?  Because that regret is what makes me feel extremely awful and destroys the next time.  And while I could have done without it, I didn't go overboard like usual.

I've been running or spinning all week.  Even with hip pain.  I've been working on my abs to strengthen my core.  I also have been doing my pushups: 3 sets of 15.  While it is brutal getting up at 4:50 am, I got up.  I got them done.  I will get up tomorrow at 6 a.m. and hope all sleep in.  I want to do 60 minutes of spinning before all the kids wake up.  It would be nice to sleep in on a Saturday, but my goals don't allow for that luxury.

I weighed in this morning at 205.5 lbs.  About 3.5 lbs down from last week when I was at 209 from vacation.  I have a goal of losing a total of 18 lbs by the October 30th 5K that I hope to run.  I would be 21 lbs lighter than last year when I ran at 212 lbs.  I am sure that running at 191 would make for a much faster runner.


Do you allow yourself a treat or are you a complete restricter?

The Belly . . .

third pregnancy, 2008

At 5:30 a.m. this morning I put on my swimsuit.  Nope, I didn't go swimming.  I needed my racer back swimsuit to contain the hanging belly that has resulted from the years of obesity and three, very full term pregnancies.  Running is hard for me because even with spandex pants, my stomach giggles.  It isn't so huge, but enough to make it an unpleasant experience while I am running.  I've also been experiencing lower back pain from my abs not being strong enough; even when I was doing 30DS or other strength training activities for the abs, I felt weak there while running.

So while I looked extremely ridiculous, circa 1984, it was practical.  I am going to try to figure out getting a body shaper that has a cutout for my sports bra because the swim suit provided no support for the "sisters". 

Have you had to make some accommodations or improvisations during your fitness?

Time . . .

I came to the conclusion this morning that I can't workout consistently if I don't exercise at 5 a.m.  There is no other time in my day, nor am I physically and emotionally capable of forcing myself to workout but at 5 a.m.  And as painful as that time is, I have to bite the bullet and do it.

I have to write out my daily routine in my calendar.  I have to set up the room.  I have to have the DVD in the player.  I have to set out my clothes.  I have to set the alarm for 4:45 a.m. I have to get up when said alarm rings at 4:45 a.m.  I have to drag my sorry butt down the stairs.  I have to get the workout in. 

School starts on Wednesday of next week.  I am on vacation.  But I can no longer be on a vacation from my fitness.  I took a pause this afternoon, after feeling a panic attack set in; pain in my back, feeling of agitation, fearfullness.  During that pause, I realized that I hadn't had a panic attack since last year.  Why?  Because I started working out.  I made a plan for myself.  I set up a routine to run a race.

Exercise has been a natural drug to combat the anxiety and depression that I get from time to time.  The panic attack came on today because my son acted horribly at the mall.  He is mildly autistic and wouldn't take "no, I am not going to buy you a toy, candy, frozen ice cream, t-shirt" for an answer.  He became obstinate and abusive.  I felt this huge sense of helplessness.  Before he was diagnosed, I started running.  The shock and fear of his new label was minimized because I was taking care of myself physically.

I still do damage eating wise.  But I usually take comfort in the fact that I devote 45 minutes to 60 minutes to make myself stronger and build my endurance.

As difficult as it is to even think about, I will be getting up at 5 a.m. tomorrow and get on that treadmill.  Ugghhh!

What time of day do you workout?  What to you do to motivate yourself to workout?

Insanity . . .

Google Images

We returned last night from vacation.  On Friday, our last official day of vacation, in the lobby of our hotel, I saw Shaun T.  Do you know him?  Well if you watch one too many fitness program infomercials or read the posts of hardcore fitness bloggers, then you know who he is. 

I didn't talk to him, but it left an impression.  More like, " Darn it, I had every good intention on vacation to eat right and exercise (4 days of golf does not make for fitness).  I'd better get back to my program when I return home."  And that is what I intend to do. 

My 5K is on October 30.  I will start officially training for speed this week; tomorrow.  Today will be spin bike.  Yoga is in the works to loosen the tight muscles from the spinning and running.  Strength training is also important.  Shaun T's program is about explosive movements and using own body strength to increase strength.  I think getting back into a 30 Day Shred or other Jillian workouts would help me with strength training.

I get my CSA box today and will be planning meals around them this week and beyond.  I have this week off from work in order to get myself back in order.  I think a vacation from exercise and eating was the ticket to motivate me to getting back into the game. 

But I must say, my golf game has improved tremendously from this vacation.  I just wish I would have walked more.


Is there a fitness blogger, trainer, or celebrity that motivate you to fitness?

We'll be here . . .

Sun and surf for a week, but first a two day drive to . . . and then from.  I've been having some pelvic pain.  I am starting to think I must have ovarian cysts.  I've been in such discomfort with my lower back, abs, and hips.  I am hoping that I can get back into a routine of cardio exercise when I get back.  Two things I will pack.  My exercise ball (must deflate) and my yoga mat.  I want to work on my abs and some simple yoga moves.

Do you workout during vacations?  If so, what do you do?

Hungry?

I've been having some trouble lately with being inspired to exercise and eat right, simultaneously.  It is starting to become one or the other . . . but not both.  I either get into this routine of exercising really well, but overeating because I've exercised.  Or I will pack my lunches and have a hard time exercising consistently because I don't have to worry about excess calories being consumed.

I reached 200.4 lbs last week, but now I am up to 208.  How?  Because I ate the victory away.  I couldn't be happy with that loss to move forward in my goal of reaching 175 by January 1.  I was only 25 lbs away from my goal, but I had to throw it further from my reach. 

I read an article last night in Runner's Magazine from a new runner.  The author wrote about eating more because, "heck, I'm a runner."  Well, the author was running about a mile at first and then 2 miles, but eating as if 12 miles were run.  The author discussed this with a doctor who happened to be at a lacrosse game, and the doctor stated that despite the hunger generated by running, it is sometimes okay to be hungry.  The doctor had just run 12 miles that morning and didn't eat breakfast, and he was hungry--and he was okay with that.  What?  That goes against everything I read about eating right and refueling, and my muscles needing fuel to rebuild, strengthen and prepare for the next exercise activity. 

I eat like I run 12 miles everyday.  I know that I don't do 12 miles in a week.  I don't do anything extra in my fitness that necessitates more calories.  I feel like an athlete, but I am not an athlete who has burned thousands of calories.  I eat for every excuse, good or bad.

I've already finished Women, Food and God and I know why I am overeating (bills, stress, job, children, husband, house, bills, no money, bills; yep, that seems to be the majority of my issues), I just don't know how to seriously drop the hammer and stop myself.  How do I force myself to take back control when I know I shouldn't indulge.  I rationalize everything.  "Well, I can have that small, soy latte with 6 sugars with the cream cheese/chocolate chip muffin because I did 67 minutes on the Spin bike (I actually did exercise that much last night) and will exercise today!"  Haven't you read this before?  I know I've written it before. 

I have issues.  I am not sure if there is truly a rock bottom moment for me.  Or an event that is causing me to take this more seriously.  I read all these amazing weight loss blogs with all the dramatic before and after pics.  I want that.  But how bad?  Not bad enough, apparently.  My coworker has lost 17 lbs since starting her efforts, but she got the rude wake up call of being borderline diabetic.  Her husband has lost 27 lbs in a couple of months because he was diagnosed with high cholesterol and blood pressure.  He has been biking 10 miles daily and going for walks with her, while cutting back on food.  We went for a walk today.  She'd already exercised this morning.  I used to do that.  I will exercise tonight because it was in my schedule.  I will try to control my eating today because I prepacked my food. But I don't know how long I will keep this up. 

This is what I plan to do, moving forward from today.  Take all this with a grain of salt, please.

• I will still workout or be active daily.  
• I will still try to eat right.  
• I will now start to allow myself to be a little "hungry".
• This won't be an all or nothing because I know I am flawed.  
• I will try to be happier all the while doing the above.

How do you get past the "hunger" (that isn't truly a hunger, but a need to satisfy something else)?

Veggie Life . . .

We decided to get a share of our community supported agriculture back in June.  I've been trying to incorporate all of the veggies that we are given in our box in our daily meals.  It is hard to be creative.  However, I am making a lot of colorful salads, sauteed and roasted veggies.  It is lovely. 

The downfall is not knowing what to do with some of the veggies because I can't figure out more ways to eat beets, and my healthy eating goals limits my ability to make a beet cake.  If you have any tips for beets, please send them my way. 

My Toy . . .

This morning when I hopped on the treadmill for a 20 minute run for my 5K speed training, I discovered that my son had been tearing at the padding on the handle of the treadmill.  I was devastated.  I felt like a kid whose toy doll was de-limbed by some terrible little boy with a Mohawk.  This wasn't a tear that had just happened, it is one that he has been consistently chipping away at.  If you notice the picture of the treadmill, the frontward handle was chipped away many years ago and duck taped.  The other one was intact.  Well now the second handle has to be wrapped in black duck tape too . . . and I ain't happy.  

There are very few things that I own that bring me a modicum of joy.  The treadmill is one.  Hubby bought it shortly after we got married because he had these grand plans of getting back in shape while watching TV.  He took months of research and review.  We went to countless stores.  And he ultimately bought it online.  It was a heavy treadmill to carry to our apartment and put together.  After he found the right spot he started his workout.  Then stopped.  I then started exercising on it thereafter because it was just standing there unwanted.  It became my toy.  I wanted it.  I made sure to maintain it and use it.  I can count on both hands and both feet how many times hubby has used it.  12.  Yes, 12.  We've had it almost 11 years.  

This treadmill has moved with us about 6 times in those 11 years and has been a faithful companion.  So to have it marred was upsetting.  Okay, it is just a treadmill, but this treadmill gives me motivation to run.  I trained for my first 5K with this treadmill.  I plan to keep training and exceeding my fitness goals.  It is a great machine.  And it is mine.  All mine.  

So that little boy with the mohawk has been warned that if he touches it again, his head will be shaved and he will be sent off to military school. 

Rock Bottom . . .

I hit rock bottom on Sunday, July 4th.  It has been the rock bottom that I needed like when I was in college.  We were invited to a pool party.  I was there with the three kids and hubby.  I was wearing a black skirt with a compression garment built in (it is an amazing skirt) and a long top to cover my muffins.  I thought I looked cute with my curls and clothes.  But then I saw them . . . the other moms in their bikinis.  There were a couple of women in their 40s that physically looked like they were in their 20s. The women in their 30s (like me), fabulous too and each had given birth to 2 kids.  I know one of the 30+ year old is a mom of two and she exercises . . . a lot. 

For all the exercise I do, I don't see the results.  Sure my legs are strong and my calves are muscular, but they're riddled with cellulite and chunk . . . in the trunk.  My belly is a gelatinous flab that is wide rather than bulbous.  I was not a happy gal.  I wasn't dressed for the occasion.  I didn't feel confident in my looks.  I wasn't strutting my stuff. So that rock bottom of seeing toned and muscular Moms in a two piece made me want that.  Want it so bad that I am taking this eating thing more seriously so I can see the results of the morning runs and spin bike sessions. 

I have been running and spinning since Sunday, and I've cut back on my overeating.  I made a healthy lunch of chickpeas in a curry with barley cooked in stock and broccoli for today.  I am incorporating more vegetarian meals into my diet because the first time I lost a tremendous amount of weight it was all vegetarian.  I need a healthy balance now that I am 4 years away from my 40s.

The goal is to go on our Christmas vacation with a two piece in my suitcase, and I don't want to be insecure about wearing it around the other fit moms who attend that trip too. 

Have you ever hit rock bottom that shook you to weight loss?  If so, what was it?  And how are you working toward never seeing rock bottom again?

Re-Training . . .

I started re-training for a 5K that is in October.  This would be the same event that I ran in October of '09 when I got serious about fitness.  I ran the 5K in 40:37.  When I finished running and spoke to another finisher, she told me that it will be nice to compare my time in a year and see how I improve.  And that is just what I plan to do.

I intend to run the race in October.  After reading an article and speed program in Fitness this month, I realized that I could absolutely increase my speed.  I run on a treadmill primarily, and while it is significantly different than running on terrain, I know that I can do the program and see a faster pace in the race.  My goal is to run 3.1 miles in 36 minutes.  That would be a pace of 12 minutes.  Yikes!

Today, I started week one of the program, but will repeat week one next week.  It said to do 15-25 minutes of an "easy run", which is my normal pace.  But it also required me to push my speed for at least the last 5 minutes.  I pumped up some Black Eyed Peas and ran for 5 minutes at 5.0 mph; 12 minute mile.  I'd never done that before.  While I have run 6.0 mph, I called that my sprint.  Yes, I'm slow.  While it isn't super fast, it is a big difference for me.  So my goal is to exceed the 12 minute mile on the treadmill and outdoors. 

I hope to take the training outdoors at least once a week when hubby can stay home with the kids.  Early morning runs are now in nice bright sunlight, so I am no longer fearful of running outdoors.  

How is your summer fitness plan going?  Do you find yourself exercising indoors, if so what do you do?  Or have you branched outdoors? What is your outdoor fitness activity?

Summer Challenge . . .

I started my fitness focus Summer of 2009.  It started with my goal to run a 5K in October of 2009.  I've not run often in the last two months.  I decided to re-train for the same 5K, which is on October 30th.  I am excited to get back into a challenge. But the training that works my heart and strengthens my lower body isn't enough for my body to maintain overall strength and stamina.  I decided to start an upper body challenge because I failed my last arm challenge . . . miserably. 

I took my test for the 100 Pushup training program.  I only did 4 standard pushups.  I am sure I could do more modified pushups, but my goal is to be able to bang out 100 pushups at once.  I love feeling strong.  I hope to really make my upper body stronger and leaner.  I will also be including Yoga in the very near future, which fell to the wayside these last few months.  And I can't say enough that I do love Yoga, and it will be a big part of my life again.

I can't guarantee that I am back on the fitness wagon, but I am enjoying getting up and putting in at least 45 minutes to an hour of cardio.  Today, I did 50 minutes on my spin cycle while watching a streaming video from Netflix.  I am watching the first season of Firefly.  It is an old show that didn't last a complete season, but anything that is keeping me motivated and excited to get on the treadmill is fantastic. 

So Next week, I am doing week one of 100 pushups, running 3-4 times a week, cycling 2-3 times a week; hopefully walking with my colleague at work.  She is my pedometer pal.  I need to exercise to keep my stress level down.  I am in the midst of a ton of work at the office and I can't seem to manage the summer sports with our son.  I feel like I am running like a chicken with its head cut off.  Exercise keeps my stress down.

I am also trying the Line Diet.  I am hoping that my need for visualizing and tracking my progress will make this easier.  Research it and let me know if this would work for you. 

Do you have any goals for the summer to keep you challenged and motivated?  If so, what is it?  How have you planned for it?  What is the number one thing you need to happen in order to do and complete your challenge?

Salmon over greens

I am trying to eat as much of my CSA share before I have to pick up on Monday.  That means a lot of veggies with 2 out of 3 meals.  I forgot how simple lunch can be and that it will satisfy me just as much as having a protein, a simple carb, and veggies.  And it doesn't have to be a huge production. 

In a cast iron skillet, I grilled the salmon on both sides with a touch of olive oil with salt and pepper.  I put in the oven for about 7 more minutes to cook through.

In the meantime, in an aluminum skillet, I started to cook garlic in olive on low heat.  Put the green beans to start cooking.  Tossed.  Put the spinach to cook.  Added salt and pepper to taste.

Once spinach wilted, I plated the greens in the center of the plate and put the salmon on top.  Then I put a vinagrette over the salmon and greens for a crisp and clean taste.  The vinagrette was blended with white wine, olive oil, salt, pepper, and mustard.  Yum!

I am going to try to make more healthy meals and take photos for the blog.  They may not be anywhere near as good as Pioneer Woman, but I like to share what I make and eat.